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Every so often, for the sake of equal time, we find it useful to take our focus off of the negro-related news and see what white people have been up to, lately.

To be fair, it is partly out of jealousy and envy. I often wonder why there is no equivalent to WorldStarHipHop that just shows white people dancing at wedding receptions or engaging in their various shenanigans. White people have the best shenanigans. And they have hijinks, too. While I’ve admittedly been associated with a random shenanigan or two, I have never been involved in a single hijink. I want to hijink but I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know what’s appropriate to wear to a hijink-ery. Would I have to wear boat shoes?

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Anyway, here are some recent hijinks by white people:

The Rub-a-Dub Sub Caught Pulling the Plug

An Ohio substitute teacher was arrested Friday after allegedly performing a sex act on himself while students were present.

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Tracey J. Abram, a substitute teacher at Creekside Middle School in Fairfield, Ohio was charged with public-degree indecency after students reported suspicious behavior “behind that teacher’s desk,” the Journal-News reports. Abrams was removed from the classroom by someone who, I’m sure, said: “Ayyyy... Don’t touch me, man!”

Abrams had served as a substitute in multiple school districts and had passed a background check, school officials said. He was booked and released on his own recognizance and told not to come into contact with anyone under 18.

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“Once the administration at Creekside Middle School was made aware of this behavior, the school resource officer immediately removed the substitute teacher from the classroom and building,” said school spokeswoman Gina Gentry-Fletcher, noting that Abram did not come in contact with any students.

While I feel like this is more of an “escapade” than a hijink, it is possibly a case of tomfoolery. And no, I don’t consider this “horseplay.”

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I don’t give him that much credit.

The Petty Payback Poop Party

Another substitute teacher, this one from Florida, was arrested after smearing feces all over a park where a principal had scheduled a birthday party for her daughter.

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According to Fox 5, Heather Carpenter was seen spreading “human waste and fecal matter on the wooden tables and grills at a Sarasota, Fla. park. One witness saw the crime as it was happening early that morning.

“When I realized what she did, I was shocked and appalled,” said Mike Hutchinson, adding that Hutchinson wore a surgical mask and blue rubber gloves but ran away like he was an Avenger and she was Thanos with only one Infinity Ring (trust me, you don’t wanna know what the brown infinity ring does) when she realized he saw what she was doo-doing.

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“When I walked back over here to see what was going on, the smell hit me and I noticed that she did it to every table. Wiped it on every table, it was on the ground, yeah, it was a mixture of urine and feces and she had it in a big cup and was just pouring it out and wiping it in.”

Fox5 adds:

The investigating deputy learned that the principal of Phillippi Shores Elementary School was the birthday party organizer, and found that she had invited all the children in her child’s class, which included the child of Carpenter, a teacher she was having a dispute with the week before the party.

Deputies say Carpenter and her van matched the description of the suspect from witnesses. Deputies say Carpenter later admitted to intentionally placing the waste at the park with the intent of disrupting the party.

She told deputies she was displeased with how the principal was handling their dispute.

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There is only one thing that puzzles me about these kinds of shenanigans:

Does anyone know where she got the feces from?

This is one thing all the media outlets ignore. Was it her dookey? When did she make it? Was it fresh or did she just happen to have some frozen boo-boo that she was saving for a special occasion? And in what kind of container does one transport shit? A ziplock bag? Tupperware? These are the things the public needs to know.

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Carpenter was charged with property damage and felony mischief for $2,300 in damage.

Racist Allegedly Kills Brother With Sword

A man who belonged to the white supremacist group, the Proud Boys, reportedly stabbed his brother in the head sword.

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Prosecutors say 26-year-old Buckey Wolf killed his brother with a four-foot sword on Sunday in Seattle, which is hard as hell to say three times in a row. The Daily Beast reports that Wolf was known for his pro-Trump rants on Facebook and his affiliation with the Proud Boys, a far-right group that forbids members from masturbating, apparently not aware that some of their members might have super knives.

The Proud Boys deny that Wolf was a part of the organization, insisting that his mental health issues stopped him from becoming a full member. Wolf’s Facebook account, however, made numerous references to the Proud Boys, as well as QAnon, the right-wing conspiracy that believes that Donald Trump is part of a secret plan to save the world from an underground pedophile ring.

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Like many QAnon believers, Wolf also seemed to think that the Illuminati is composed of lizard men disguised in human skin who come from a royal bloodline that rules the world. Police say that Wolf was yelling about lizards when they apprehended him shortly after the stabbing, which begs one question:

Why the fuck do white people like swords so much?

A working study from the University of Stuff I Already Know says that 98 percent of sword-related injuries are to white people. I know a dude from my neighborhood we called Tiger Style Tee who used to dress like Michael Jackson back in the day but swore he was a black belt until Leonard Pendergrass knocked him unconscious at the lunchroom salad bar after Tee stooped down, did the Bruce Lee “come on” gesture and said “Why don’t you try my tiger style?”

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Leonard knocked that fool out of his penny loafers.

Kung Fu Tee always carried a pair of nunchucks but you know what he didn’t have?

A sword!

We need to stop this sword-related violence before it seeps into the black community. I think many Caucasian sword-stabbings happen because white people are still holding out for someone to invent a real lightsaber. Luke Skywalker is the T’Challa of white people. Every white boy in America dreams about one day becoming a Jedi.

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Black boys dream about one day become free.

Becky Goes Berserk on JetBlue

Passengers at a Florida airport had the rare opportunity to see a purebred Uber-Becky live and in person when she went “full Rebecca,” after being denied entry onto a flight because she had one too many apple martini Manhattan Bahama Mamas.

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The New York Post reports that Post Malone’s manager recorded 26-year-old Sabrina Rey Thomas doing all the white things at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport on Sunday. In the video, an airport employee, a black man, appeared calm as Thomas tries to bound over the counter, only thwarted by her stereotypical Caucasian vertical leap.

“Get me out of this fucked up place, you rapist!” the flip-flop-clad screams. “I have a fucking gun on me because I’m homeless!”

The Broward County Sheriff’s report says: “Thomas was screaming at help desk representative and jumping on the help desk counter because she delayed after she missed her flight,” adding that Thomas threw her boarding pass at the responding officer and yelled profanities.

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The Post writes:

According to a supplemental police report, Thomas, who is white, also screamed, “I’m racist against white people, I f–king hate white cops!”

The gate agent told police that he had noticed that Thomas “didn’t look right” and asked her if she had been drinking or was on any medication, according to the report.

She said she was OK and denied being either intoxicated or medicated. The agent then cleared her for boarding, but she yelled, “Go f–k yourself,” the report said.

He had her wait for about five minutes as he boarded other passengers and then checked on Thomas to see if she was ready to fly – but police said she started to yell, “I hate white people!” and “White people raped me!”

At one point, she also screamed: “I hate white police officers!”

Because Thomas was not black, deputies decided not to shoot her on sight and instead used the state’s involuntary institutionalization policy to take her to a local hospital where she was tested for acute Beckery and other white shenanigan-related illnesses. The flight took off 16 minutes late.

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At least she didn’t have a sword... Or a lump of dookey.

She is expected to be back on her feet and substitute teaching soon.

I have already signed up for her hijinks class.