Illustration for article titled Christopher Trumplumbus: I Discovered Juneteenth!
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

Before Trump took office, Juneteenth was just hanging out in an African village with Kwanzaa and the rest of the black holidays just living a marginal life. The holidays weren’t really asking for much but after Trump said Juneteenth’s name on the Summer Jam stage, Juneteenth blew up. It literally was like Juneteenth didn’t have a life until Trump.

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Basically, Trump came and freed Juneteenth, or at least that is what Christopher Trumplumbus believes.

“I did something good: I made Juneteenth very famous,” Trump told the Wall Street Journal of his rally date coinciding with the emancipation of slaves. “It’s actually an important event, an important time but nobody ever heard of it.”

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Trumplumbus explained that he first saw Juneteenth at a talent show and asked if it wanted to join Kwanzaa and MLK Day as the backup singers for national sensation, Black History Month. And that without his guidance, Juneteenth wouldn’t have become the star that it is now.

The WSJ reporter noted that this was the plot of Dreamgirls.

The president looked puzzled and noted that he didn’t know Dreamgirls and that he never met her. He added that Juneteenth would be nothing without him.

He noted that he polled people on his staff about the holiday and no one had heard of it. He even stopped the interview to ask an aide if she knew what the hell Juneteenth was before he found it. The aide informed him that the White House had put out a statement commemorating the holiday just last year and in fact, they’d done so every year he’d been in office.

“Oh really? We put out a statement? The Trump White House put out a statement? Trump said, WSJ reports. “OK, OK, Good.”

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Trumplumbus then went on to claim that Juneteenth was a small-town singer who he put on the back of his purple motorcycle, which he described as a beautiful, beautiful, bike. This was back when he too was a singer and asked Juneteenth to purify herself…

The WSJ reporter interrupted Trumplumbus and noted that this was the plot of Purple Rain.

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Trumplumbus abruptly ended the interview and walked out.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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