The New York Knicks continued their decadeslong tradition of front-office ineptitude Saturday when the organization agreed to ship NCAA champion, Olympic gold medalist and nine-time All-Star Carmelo Anthony to the Oklahoma City Thunder for ... umm ... look, I’m not about to waste my time Googling that. Trust me, you don’t know them.
OK, they just told me it’s kind of a standard thing. ESPN reports that the Knicks will acquire Enes Kanter, Doug McDermott and a 2018 second-round draft pick. (I told you that you wouldn’t know them.) This means that ... wait. They traded Melo for a guy named Enes? That can’t be right. I don’t think they allow people named Enes to play in the league. Guys named Enes usually spend their time in psychotherapy working through the childhood trauma of everyone calling them Enes the Penis. (Don’t act like you didn’t think it.)
Anthony will join a team with last year’s Most Valuable Player Russell Westbrook and perennial NBA All-Star Paul George. The team has a real chance to compete for an NBA championship in a stacked Western Conference. And by “real chance,” we mean if another hurricane comes and wipes out the Houston Rockets, somehow the Golden State Warriors decide they want to play beach volleyball this year and the San Antonio Spurs cease to exist. In that case, OKC has a real chance.
Even if the Thunder doesn’t make the playoffs, the franchise could still lead the league in NBA relationship fuck-ups. Anthony is working on getting back with his wife and Honey Nut Cheerios’ unofficial endorsee La La Anthony.
Anthony’s future teammate Paul George is expecting his second child with the former exotic dancer he allegedly tried to pay off for an abortion. Feel free to make up your own story about why George left his former team the Indiana Pacers, but whatever you do, do not Google “Paul George cross swords.”
You just don’t listen, do you?
Pass the Faygo, man.
Read more at ESPN.