Can You Hear That Noise? It’s the Sweet Song of the Walls Closing In on Rep. Matt Gaetz

Illustration for article titled Can You Hear That Noise? It’s the Sweet Song of the Walls Closing In on Rep. Matt Gaetz
Photo: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

One night long ago, the sludge from the bottom of a shrimp boat had meth-fueled sex with a homeless cheerleading boot and the result was Rep. Matt Gaetz.


And now, the lovechild of old shrimp and a discarded boot is maybe about to lose his job; assuming, of course, that the allegations of his alleged sex trafficking of a minor all turn out to be true.

That’s because Gaetz’s friend, Joel Greenberg, a former tax collector for Seminole County, Fla., is preparing to plead guilty in his own federal case, according to a court entry viewed by the Washington Post.

And if Greenberg is anything like Gaetz—he’s totally like Gaetz—then he’s most likely going to turn on his slimeball friend and break down how the two men “would pay women for sex using cash or gifts,” the Post reports.

Alexa: Volume up. 

Gaetz has adamantly denied paying for sex. Gaetz also claimed that he adopted a man-boy that he never adopted and has been housing the man-child in his home. The man-boy’s name is Nestor.

From the Post:

On Thursday, a federal court in Orlando scheduled a “change of plea hearing” in Greenberg’s case for Monday, indicating he has reached such a deal.

The specifics of Greenberg’s plea were not immediately filed in court, and it was not immediately clear to what specific charges and facts he would admit, or what benefit he would receive for doing so. Plea deals do not necessarily require defendants to cooperate — though doing so is one of the best ways they have to reduce their ultimate sentence, and Greenberg already had been providing investigators with information about Gaetz in hopes of leniency. The deal still must be accepted by a federal judge.

A spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office for the Middle District of Florida, which has been handling the Greenberg case, declined to comment beyond the court entry, as did Greenberg’s attorney. A representative for Gaetz did not immediately respond to a message.


“I’m sure Matt Gaetz is not feeling very comfortable today,” Fritz Scheller, Greenberg’s defense attorney, told the Post.

Greenberg now faces a 33-count indictment that includes sex trafficking of a minor and stealing from the tax office that once employed him. The funny thing is, the initial investigation had nothing to do with Slimeball Gaetz; it was all about Greenberg, until investigators stumbled on the possible sex trafficking of a 17-year-old girl who was reportedly lured into this mess by Greenberg.


Even with J.Cole’s recently released “Interlude” on repeat, “the fall of Slimeball Gaetz” might be my favorite song.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.



So what will all the Qanon/child-sex-trafficking-hating/conspiracy theory nutjobs think of Matt if he goes down for this?  Or will they concoct more mental gymnastics to avoid actually dealing with their cognitive dissonance and keep following him off a cliff?