Photo: Rob Foldy (Getty Imagea)

My core has been shaken. I was today-years-old when I learned that Dwyane Wade is not a black man.

Dwyane Wade may be playing his 16th season in the NBA. He’s 36 years old. He’s married to Gabrielle Union. Once he’s done playing in the NBA, he’s headed to the NBA Hall of Fame on his first year of eligibility. He was born in Chicago. He’s has a black-spelled first name! He also goes by the nickname D-Wade. His middle name is TYRONE! And Tyrone, aka D-Wade, aka DWYANE, doesn’t know the words to arguably the second-most popular wedding song not named “Ribbon in the Sky”; “All My Life” by one of the best duos not named Cephus and Reesie, K-Ci & JoJo.

Former Chicago Bulls teammates Dwyane Wade and Jimmy Butler sang a round of karaoke on Saturday, and while it appeared that the two NBA players were just having a good time, I would like to call attention to Wade’s inability to sing his way through the lyrics.

Watch below and try to make it through to the end or at least to the point where Wade sings, “You turned your life around” where he literally turns himself completely around. Also, The Root’s forensic black video specialist and wypipologist Michael Harriot points out the Wade is “staring at the fucking lyric screen.”

Advertisement

There are only a few offenses that might be worse than this: eating watermelon with a knife and fork, pouring sugar on grits, pulling your jeans over the tongue on your Jordan Vs, and placing a winning domino down softly.

What else is D-Wade hiding from us? Does he need a diagram to do the Electric Slide? Could he be unaware of the time in which God is good? I don’t like to throw around unfounded gossip, but there is a rumor going around that in his early years, Dwyane Wade was “buck” but, for undisclosed reasons, he eschewed his responsibility to “knuck.”

Now we know why.

I don’t know what to make of this. I feel like Wade might be a Russian bot? Do we have any proof that he isn’t? Whatever you do, please do not show this video to K-Ci or JoJo because I feel like this is the last thing they need.

Advertisement

And I hope that you feel the same way, too.