Blog Noir: Disappointment Is the Recurrent Black


Sister Tolda of The Beautiful Struggler read the WaPo profile of Helena Andrews with a tightness in her chest. While surprised at the backlash from the fellas, that the ladies seemed to fall into two camps was even more suprising.

The sisters seemed to fall into two camps. Many expressed feelings of solidarity and shared frustration (I also picked up on a few folks who seemed to resent that Andrews had beat them to the punch with this book). Others seemed to resent the implication that single equals lonely. To speak to the latter, I don't think it's so much that Andrews or any of the many hundreds of female writers who have lamented the often painful search for love have decided that all single people live empty lives. But, rather, I see an expression of frustration at the inability to have something one really wants.

The plight of many single, accomplished Black women can be likened to that of a job seeker with an illustrious resume who cannot find work in her field. You have all the right qualifications and yet, the doors aren't opening to you. It's like never getting in to med school if you wanted to be a doctor since childhood. If you are a woman who wants a boyfriend or a husband and you cannot find one, that is hard to manage. As with anything one truly wants and flounders in search of. Some women (and men) have romance sitting high atop the list of things they desire most in life. I am one of those women. It's difficult, because unlike many other pursuits or goals, love is one that is not simply the result of your qualifications.

I personally find it hard to reconcile the fact that my White female and Black male counterparts have a far easier time finding love than I. White women do not outnumber White men in the same way that Black women do ours. Eligible Black bachelors (and even those who should NOT be eligible) essentially have a Black woman buffet to pick and sample from. And the ones most of us want tend to take full advantage of the odds and have the luxury of sampling plenty of goods before settling down with one woman. I believe this is why a lot of sisters get far too attached to "Mr. We Just met" or "Mr. Not Right At All"; we are trying to manage the forced competitiveness with other women or a lack of other suitors or a fear that if this guy doesn't work out, we're all alone again.

Andrews article made me feel like good Black girls were a dime a dozen. So many of us are smart, so many of us are pretty, so many of us are doing well for ourselves. Who do I have to be to have a boyfriend? Dating in one's 20's or 30's should not be so heavy, so frightening. I don't like the weight of that knowing statistically, I'm not likely to be married ever. I want to enjoy this time, sample from a brother buffet of my own and let Mr. Right show himself when he's supposed to. I do not want to be bitter or salty. I do not want to go out with men I'm not interested in just to say I went on a date. I want to be recognized for my dopeness in the romantic field, not to feel like I'm just one of many.


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