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Billionaire Michael Bloomberg Pays ‘Poll Tax’ for 32,000 Felons in Florida So They Can Vote

Illustration for article titled Billionaire Michael Bloomberg Pays ‘Poll Tax’ for 32,000 Felons in Florida So They Can Vote
Photo: JOHANNES EISELE (Getty Images)

Florida is fucked up. Like sometimes when I think about hell, I imagine that it’s a lot like Florida without Miami but hotter. Much hotter.

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Florida is basically America’s illegitimate cousin with a meth problem who you don’t want inside the house but you also don’t want to call the police on. So they just keep coming around wearing the same dusty cutoff shorts and tank top.

Because of this and Florida being run by the Devil’s loogie, Gov. Ron DeSantis, and his crew who implemented a “poll tax” (although they don’t want to call it a poll tax but that’s exactly what it is,) in which felons are forced to pay court fines and fees before they can register to vote.

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Well, billionaire Michael Bloomberg said “fuck your poll tax” (because it’s totally a poll tax) and raised $16 million to add to the $5 million from the Florida Rights Restoration Coalition to pay off 32,000 felons’ fees.

“The right to vote is fundamental to our democracy and no American should be denied that right,” a Bloomberg spokesperson told Axios. “Working together with the Florida Rights Restoration Coalition, we are determined to end disenfranchisement and the discrimination that has always driven it.”

In 2018, Florida, the fucked-up bumper sticker on the ass of America, surprised everyone when voters passed an amendment that restored felons’ voting rights, but Florida’s governing body, also know as “the real felons,” said fuck that and made it so felons could only vote if they paid all their fines, fees and restitution owed to the government because Trump has a lot of properties in Florida and Hell is going to always try and appease the Devil.

But Bloomberg said, fuck all that.

This isn’t the first time that Bloomberg put up bread to try and make sure that America gets away from whatever it is that is chasing motherfuckers in Lovecraft Country. The balling-ass baller, who also ran for president but lost to the party’s nominee, Kamala Harris’ running mate, has also donated some $100 million to Joe Biden in an effort to help defeat whatever it is that is chasing after Jurnee Smollett and them.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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Wasabi Buttplug

When Michael Bloomberg is the hero, you know you're telling a weird tale.