Screenshot: WOIO

Vigilant employees of a Cleveland area bank alerted the authorities to a black man who suspiciously tried to conduct a financial transaction at a financial institution, causing them to question the motives behind his blatant negro shenanigans.

WOIO reports that Paul McCowns went to a Huntington Bank branch in Brooklyn, Ohio, to cash his paycheck on Saturday, December 1. McCowns presented the tellers with two forms of identification and offered his fingerprint, which is required of all non-Huntington customers.

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This likely raised the eyebrows of the diligent dollar-bill counters who were apparently also working as an undercover investigative team at the bank inside the grocery store on the outskirts of Cleveland. Because everyone knows that’s where the real action is.

After looking at his ID and giving him the look that white people throw at thugs who don’t look like they enjoy mayonnaise souffle, they went through the “white verification process” that has been used since the beginning of wypipo time by fugitive slave catchers, bank tellers, and hotel workers when you ask the front desk if they can make another key for your room.

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You know what I’m talking about. It’s a four-step process spelled out in The White Person’s Guide to Making Black People Nervous:

  1. Stare at the computer screen. According to McCowns, the teller started looking at the screen and questioning the transaction. White people really trust computer screens. If a black person came in the door, dripping wet, pointed at the window and said it was raining outside, white people would look at the storm outside and say: “Hold on, let me Google Weather.com to verify.”
  2. Call another white person to stare at the computer screen: And it’s never a supervisor because white people never like to admit they have supervisors. It’s just a random Judy who wears glasses. McCowns said they murmured to each other (white people have incredible murmuring skills; they can low-talk like a motherfucker) and proceeded to step 3.
  3. They made a phone call: Bruh, they tried it. They actually tried to call McCowns’ employer to verify the check but couldn’t get an answer. White people will call other white people to obtain the secret password. And if you try to offer the phone number to them, they won’t accept it. They always know the right number to dial, which makes me think there’s a secret Caucasian international hotline.
  4. They went in the back: They always ask you to “wait right here” while they go in the back. I don’t know what’s in the back of every retail outlet, bank and business, but whenever white people go to “the back,” the shit is about to go down. And it takes a long time because they can only speak in even quieter murmurs when they are in the safe space of “the back.” But McCowns said they told him they couldn’t cash the check, so while they were in the back doing the secret white ceremony, he decided to leave.

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Little did McCown know that they were in the back calling 911.

As he tried to leave, a police cruiser pulled up front and–here is the fuckshit part of the entire incident–handcuffed McCowns and put him in the back of the police car!

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Let’s pause here to examine what happened because there undoubtedly is a white person reading this who wants to say: “I don’t get how this is racist.”

One black man tried to go into a bank and conduct a legitimate transaction. He went through all the steps required by the bank. And not only would they not cash his check, but they also called the police, leading one to safely assume they thought Paul was a criminal. That is the only answer. The po-lice. The law. The “authorities.”

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When the police arrived, with McCowns handcuffed in the back of the patrol car, cops were able to reach his employer. The employer then verified that the check was for the correct amount, the Brooklyn Police Department confirmed.

“My employer said, ‘Yes, he works for me, he just started and, yes, my payroll company does pay him that much,’” McCowns said.

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McCowns said he was able to cash the check the next day at another location. Meanwhile, Huntington Branch has apologized for their error.

We sincerely apologize to Mr. McCowns for this extremely unfortunate event. We accept responsibility for contacting the police as well as our own interactions with Mr. McCowns. Anyone who walks into a Huntington branch should feel welcomed. Regrettably, that did not occur in this instance and we are very sorry. We hold ourselves accountable to the highest ethical standards in how we operate, hire and train colleagues, and interact with the communities we have the privilege of serving.

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Now, to the most important part of this story. It is obvious that since Paul gave them two forms of identification and offered his fingerprints, that the bank wasn’t questioning his identity. First of all, who carries two forms of identification? Unless I’m traveling outside of the country, I don’t even have two forms of ID unless you count the picture on the back of my Costco card, and that shit is so grainy because they still use dot-matrix printers.

They also couldn’t have been questioning the legitimacy of the check because they were obviously able to pull up the account on the computer screen and had the employer’s number.

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Therefore, if they could confirm McCowns’ identity and the check, then they could only have been questioning the amount of the check. So guess how much this big check was that almost bankrupted the Huntington Bank branch? Guess how much this evil supergenius tried to scam Huntington Bank into opening the vaults and throwing all of the money into a duffel bag? Guess how much Paul’s check was written for?

A little more than $1,000.

“It was highly embarrassing,” said McCown. “Highly embarrassing.”

If you think they would have called the police on a white man, you’re lying to yourself. If you think they do this to every customer, you are crazy. Huntington Bank tried it for $1,082. I hope McCown goes back, opens an account, and deposits all of his money into a mutual market fund... in unwrapped pennies.

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And if they are off by a single cent, he should call the police and report them for embezzling his money.

I’m disgusted by this entire thing.

If you need me, I’ll be in the back.