Ask Agatha: The Debt-Related Danger Of Accepting Drinks From Men


Kali from Durham, NC asks:

If a guy buys me a drink, do I owe him something? I feel like they think I owe them something and I hate having them trail after me all night because of a cocktail.


Well debt collectors are nothing if not persistent.

And that’s what these men are, debt collectors seeking payment on a debt you’ve incurred.

Because you have incurred a debt Kali.

It’s a dirty thing to say because it makes the whole mating process a dirty dirty business but you do owe these men something.

By accepting that $8 cocktail, they’ve at the very least paid for a bit of your time and a little small talk while you finish said drink. Because that’s the going rate for a cocktail in most states—a little small talk (whether people want to admit this or not) and a little politeness.

But be careful if you find yourself in a big city where a cocktail can be anywhere from $12 to $16, you might find the price of accepting that “free” drink a little too high. Now you have to dance with Church Shoes or give your number to Snaggletooth all because you’re thirsty.


Don’t be thirsty Kali. Walk with money.

Krystal from Baltimore, MD asks:

Is there any truth to the idea that the vagina is self-cleaning?


Yes and no.

Yes, if we’re talking about the medical definition of vagina. So if when people say the vagina is self-cleaning they mean the vagina as in the elastic, muscular canal that makes up part of the female reproductive system, then yes, that is absolutely self-cleaning.


The tissue that makes up that canal is also very very delicate and wouldn’t thrive with the use of cleansing washes like Summer’s Eve.

However, if you’re telling people “the vagina is self-cleaning” as the reason for not washing everything else, meaning your vulva i.e. the external genital organs, you’re just nasty. You absolutely should wash your ass everyday.


And while we’re at it, you should use shampoo every once in a while too. Co-washing your hair is like using lotion as your body wash. It’ll seal in the moisture but it’ll also seal in the dirt too.


Christian from Harlem, NY asks:

What’s your favorite movie?

My favorite movie hasn’t been made yet.

Hollywood and Oprah are always green-lighting movies about pivotal moments in our history (so racism) or about monumental African-Americans whether they be activists or sports heroes or artists; and lots of comedies and Black men in drag but my favorite movies are always about those quiet moments in-between interesting times.


And frankly there aren’t enough of them.

But the few there have been has resonated with me in a profound way.  Spike Lee’s Crooklyn about a young girl and her family during a summer in 1973 immediately comes to mind. It was tragic, in the way life can sometimes be, but not sensationalistic; funny, again like life, but not foolish.


So the movie I want to see made would be a “slice of life” work. The focus would be less on the plot and more about the characters. I’m particularly desperate for a character study of two men. Black men. Father and son. Because I’ve never seen that be the focus of any movie and the idea of it fascinates me. I’m neither a father nor a son but I’m so interested in the dynamic.

What is that moment like when he realizes his father isn’t a superhero? And fallible? And a hypocrite?


What is that moment like when one truly lets the other down?

What are those moments like in the car, on their way to places?

What’s their secret language? What’s said and unsaid?

What does conflict look like between them?

What’s that moment when the son realizes he’s become his father after all?

Someone should write this screenplay. Someone who’s lived it.

David from Washington, D.C. asks:

No offense Miss Agatha but sometimes some of your posts comes off as anti-feminist and regressive. Do you really believe some of the advice you give or is it all tongue-in-cheek?


Two points.

1. I think everyone takes away exactly what he or she should from the advice I give. Even the professionally offended.


2. I’m no feminist. Nothing in me believes in equality of the sexes or even equitable treatment for women.

We get our periods. We carry life. There’s only a 30% chance of having an orgasm from sexual intercourse. And we keep having sexual intercourse.


And still we have to deal with men, even if you’re a lesbian, men are everywhere. The planet is lousy with them. And have you met men David? They’re the worst.

So no, I don’t think things should be equal at all. I think things should be decidedly skewed within our favor.


I don’t want equal work for equal pay. I want more pay for working 5-6 days less a month on average because when I have my period I DON’T WANT TO DO A FUCKING THING. And I won’t apologize for that. And I don’t feel the need to prove that I’m as good at what I do as any man. And I don’t want to choose between chivalry and equality. And I want the government to pay me to stay home with my future kids for at least the first two years of their lives. And I don’t want to have to give anything up to be seen as a whole person. And I don’t I want what men think about what I do and say to matter at all.

What I’m saying is, what you think about what I have to say doesn’t matter at all David. No offense.

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination. Don't @ me.



i personally feel like if a man that you are not attracted to/interested in offers to buy you a drink, you should just politely decline. bc - you shouldn't go out and not be able to afford to buy your own dayum drink. this way, he's not out any money, and you're not relegated to hiding in the bathroom bc he thinks that $8 drink bought your conversation for the rest of the evening. $8 per hour is barely above minimum wage in most states.