Ask Agatha: "I Can't Stop Stalking My Ex On Instagram!"


Cash from Queens, NY asks:

My ex and I broke up a year ago but I still find myself checking her social media accounts. On the train ride to work. Standing in line for coffee. At night, after I put my FWB in a cab. I know it’s keeping me from moving on but I can’t help myself, the Internet is always just right there. How do I stop?


I once met up with a guy from Craigslist on the Staten Island Bridge at 1:00 a.m. on a weeknight, to buy an, illegal here in NYC, ferret. For a boyfriend. People do dumb shit. And I's people. So of course, I get where you’re coming from. And of course, I myself have done my own fair share of trawling my ex’s Instagram account.

It’s late, you’re bored, and your phone is in your hand and BAM! You’re looking at real time pictures. Oh he’s at Katra now. Just got there and he looks drunk already. Did he ever smile that wide with me?

And now you’re SCROLLING. And Analyzing.

Cool, he always wanted to go to that country, I thought we'd do it together though. Who that he's got his arm around? I could've sworn I knew all his boys. What is he doing APPLE PICKING in the middle of the workday? What female talked him into a romantic day trip to a motherfucking orchard? Whose delicate ass hand is that just out of frame? Oh I see he's still wearing the ring I got him. And that chain. And those boots. Wow is he balding? Fuck, he must be freaking out. Poor baby. Damn has he gotten more diesel, like us breaking up just freed him up to fully focus on his abs.

And now you’re SPIRALING.

Look at all the new memories he's making. With all these people I no longer know. Why is he so happy? Am I the only one with the broken heart? But whose HAND was that really? Damn, Look at how our paths have diverged…pretty soon he'll look back and not see the fork in the road.


And now you’ve gone from just bored to utterly dejected. And now you’re hosting your very own pity party and you’ve invited all your regrets.

Those were the thoughts I had every time I opened my ex’s IG or Facebook accounts. Death by a thousand cuts. That shit is painful. And I'd cry to my friends. Wondering why I couldn't stop picking at this scab. Saying to them I couldn't wait to get to the other side of this when I wasn't doing anything to help myself get there. Cash, after a while you're not a victim, you're a volunteer.


Every time you’re tempted to open up her social media account—make a different choice. It’s on you.

Stephanie from Oakland, CA asks:

I’ve found myself in a situationship with a frienemy’s ex. I confided in my best friend and now everyone knows. I’m livid. I thought I could’ve trusted her. Should I end the friendship?


If you couldn’t keep your own secret, a secret you had a vested interested in shutting the fuck up about then why did you expect your friend, who didn’t, to be able to? Especially when the tea was so hot even you had to share it. But that wasn’t your question was it? You question was, should you end the friendship? And I say, nah. You better just chalk this one up to the game. You lesson here is, something my dad always says, which is, your best friend has a best friend who has a best friend who has a best friend so the best way to keep a secret is to keep it.

Marcus from Baltimore, MD asks:

She makes more money than me but she never offers to pay for anything It’s been about a handful of dates.  How do I address it?


It’s too late. The way the situation is setup between you two, you’re the handout and she’s the one with her hand out. And that’s how it’s always going to be. She probably got you saved as BANK in her phone. And I don’t blame her. Here she is thinking she’s dating a baller (because I’m sure that’s how you portrayed yourself in the beginning), someone that can afford to pay for meals without writing in to a website to complain about it and instead she’s dating someone feeling some type of way about the money she’s making. If you’re poor why did you aim so high? In fact why are you dating at all if you can’t afford the standard ass courtship phase? This relationship is a wash. The only option you have is to break up with her and lay the “we going dutch” groundwork with someone with lower self-esteem.  

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination. Don't @ me.


Agatha Guilluame

The $200 date.

Is not a stretch.

It's Saturday night in NY. You take a cab into the city because you're running late and trains on the weekend are a gamble. $15 - 25

You get to Negril. She's already been seated. She's had a drink while she waited. Coconut Martini, $12

You order.

Another Coconut Martini, $12 for her
A Dark and Stormy, $10 for you

Jerk wings $8
Ackee Tostones $9

Curry goat $22
Jerk Salmon $22

No dessert. Another round of drinks. $22.

You pay the bill. Taxes. Now add a tip nucca.

She's been great company so you want to keep the night going. And she says "what next?" and gives you the brightest of smiles.

There's a comedy club a few blocks away that's free. You take her.

It's "free" but there's a two drink minimum. You didn't know that but now you're already seated. She's looking at you. You order two beers. $10. She barely touches hers. And then you order another two when the set is wrapping up. $10. And then the comedians pass a bucket around. For tips if you feel so generous. What the heck, you just spent the last hour laughing. You throw in some change. So does she.

She grabs your hand, says she wants to dance. You get a cab to Katra. $7

Entrance fee: $20 for you. They let your lady in for free.

You dance. It's a good time. You work up a sweat.

Another drink? Sure.
Rum and coke for you. $10
Heineken for her. $6

It's late but you wanna keep talking to her. You take a cab to the Highline. $15

You're on one of the benches snuggled up, talking, trading stories.

You're hitting it out the park.

The sun is just peeking up over the horizon. She says "What next?" and gives you the sexiest of smiles.

You kiss her this time.

And hail a cab for the two of you.