Ask Agatha: Family Christmas Card Etiquette And Deleting Naked Pics


David from Rochester, NY asks:

Every year we take a family photo for our Christmas card. And by we, I mean, myself, my parents and my siblings and their spouses. My brothers and I think it’s cheesy but it’s important to our mother, so we all show up and say cheese. Except, the family Christmas card was a big topic at Thanksgiving dinner and my girl brought it up on the car ride home. And by brought it up, I mean she assumes she’s gonna be in it. But she isn’t. My mother has a strict no girlfriends rule and frankly, I agree with it. The thing is, I know my girl. And I know she’s going to see this as another sign that I’m not serious. What do I do?


What do you mean what do you do? It’s not your Christmas card. You just show up, wearing what they want you to wear and stand where they tell you to stand. You have no more say in who can be in it, than I do. So I would say you have to throw momma under the bus but is it even throwing her under the bus when it’s her rules? No need to even tell this chick, whom you aren’t serious about, that you agree with your mother’s “no girlfriend’s” rule. Because whether you agree or disagree, your opinion doesn’t matter. And that’s your story, so stick to it.

And frankly, I too agree with your mother. Jesus may have broken bread with lepers and beggars, because that’s what a good Christian is supposed to do but he certainly didn’t have them in the family portrait. #lastsupper

Olivia from Dade County, Fl asks:

I recently found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I confronted him and we talked through it and he apologized. I'm considering giving the relationship another chance. Is it wrong for me to stipulate that he delete ALL nekkid pics of other women from all his electronics?

Is that all? He just has to delete the naked pictures of the other women in his phone? Dassit? Frankly (now David got me saying frankly), I don’t think that’s enough. You need to ask for 100 percent transparency. That means you need to see evidence of him cutting all those ties (I mean you can have a few loose ends but you can’t have unraveled rope my nigga), you need unlimited access to his phone and email and all social media accounts, until further notice; you need flowers and maybe a trip; you need a clean bill of health from his doctor; and when he says “damn bitch, is that all?” You say, “No nigga!”

If you’re afraid to ask for that, then you’re afraid he’s going to run because you think you’re asking for too much. But are you?


I mean he fucked up. Literally.

He broke your trust and probably your heart.

What’s the mending of that worth? Just an “I’m sorry”? Just deleting all the naked pictures from his phone (ya know, after he uploads them to a special file in the cloud)?


“I’m sorry” is good enough from a six year old. Because six year olds are so fucking prideful that wringing an “I’m sorry” from them is plenty.

But “I’m sorry’s” falls too quickly and easily from the lips of men. And every man will try to convince you that that’s enough. But it isn’t.


He’s probably told you he’d die for you. Which is cute. But what about those passcodes?

Ricky from Bronx, NY asks:

What’s in your highlight reel? Top five.

The office break room at my old job. It was after hours. A discipline session.

The gym in my apartment complex. It was closer.

Pulled over on the WestSide Highway. Outside the car.

A compilation of all the nights up against that blue bedroom wall. My favorite.

On vacation, in Tobago. All over that fucking island.

Christy from Baltimore, Maryland asks:

I’m going on a first date this Friday night. He’s planning everything but he’s not telling me anything. So, WHAT DO I WEAR?!


This might be my favorite question ever. All my years of training has prepared me for this moment.

So my darling Christy, this is what you wear.


Simple. Sexy. Chic.

This type of bodycon with clean lines and sexy feminine heels works for almost all shapes and sizes. Except hobgoblins.  Ya know, because of the growths.


Anyway, pair it with simple barely there makeup and simple hair, whether worn up or down.

Add an appropriately stylish coat for inclement weather (so, not your Northface) and substitute the strappy sandals for a blockier heel if you have weak ankles or if you spent too much of your youth on your knees, like I did.


Because I played volleyball. I was a starter.

And of course SPANX, unless you’re one of those girls routinely clocking 50+ miles a month on your FitBit. Those girls are the worst. #noonecares


Either way you won’t be too dressy or too underdressed no matter the venue.

So good luck Christy! And most importantly, make sure and do a package check during that end of the night make out session.


Agatha Guilluame

Are girls really not wearing dresses on first dates?

Like when else do lapsed Christians get to wear a dress and heels?