NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I can’t take this.
President Vladimir TrumPutin is considering downsizing Sean “Spicy Facts” Spicer’s public role, according to Politico, and of course I’ve heard the rumors that Spicy Facts is on the verge of losing his job completely as the White House press secretary, but I will have none of it. While I even noted in a column, which now makes me look like Stevestradamus, that his days were numbered, I can’t take this.
I don’t really want Spicy Facts to lose his job; I just want him to continue being so bad at his job that the speculation surrounding him losing his job continues. I want the cloud of doubt about whether Spicy Facts is going to lose his job to engulf him like Susan Lucci’s failed attempts at winning a daytime Emmy.
Basically, I like that his job is always on the cusp—always teetering, just like the administration he works for—but the past week has been too much even for Spicy Facts. I don’t care how the Washington Post wants to word it; Spicy Facts hid in the bushes, or among the bushes, or near the bushes, and who wouldn’t have, given this Beverly Hillbillies-ass administration that sends him in front of the White House press corps with a fake light saber to fight against AK-47s?
He was hilariously ill prepared from the time he took the position, and it was great! Other than Kellyanne “Fuck Your Couch” Conway, Spicy Facts was arguably one of the best—and by “best” I mean worst and awesome, maybe “wawesome”—things to happen to American politics. Sure, it sucks that it is at the expense of the American people, but Spicy Facts’ daily press briefings were the highlight of an abysmal administration that is so smothered in Russian ketchup that only Vladimir TrumPutin would eat it.
Spicy Facts is a casualty of this war and he knows it; he has to. According to reports, Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle is not only rumored to be in line for his position but is openly gunning for his spot.
“I think I have a very good relationship with the president,” she told the Bay Area News Group. “I think I enjoy a very straightforward and authentic, very genuine relationship, one that’s built on trust and integrity, and I think that’s imperative for success in that position.”
In fact, while Spicy Facts has always been a disgruntled heel, he’s become even more abrasive and less fun, so maybe it is time for him to go. Maybe he can go back to his other job of being a frightening Easter Bunny or just a really shitty normal person without the White House and the cool job title.