Apparently Donald Trump’s Feelings Will Be Hurt if the Obamas Get a Royal-Wedding Invite and He Doesn’t. Please, 2018, Make This Happen!

Former President Barack Obama and Prince Harry on day 7 of the Invictus Games 2017 on Sept. 29, 2017, in Toronto (Chris Jackson/Getty Images for the Invictus Games Foundation)
Former President Barack Obama and Prince Harry on day 7 of the Invictus Games 2017 on Sept. 29, 2017, in Toronto (Chris Jackson/Getty Images for the Invictus Games Foundation)

So we can talk about what Meghan Markle’s engagement to Prince Harry “means”—and what “means” even means in this context—and imperialism and colorism and capitalism and neoliberalism and whether the Obamas being invited to the royal wedding is something to be celebrated and the racist brooch-rocking Darth Abigails currently in the royal family, and we can talk about these things tomorrow.


Perhaps even later this evening after I’ve returned from the gym and I’ve taken a shower, we can have nuanced and sober and appropriately woke-ish conversations about all of these very important things. We can meet at a bar somewhere and drink Godfathers while we segue from one very important topic to another. If I still haven’t eaten yet after working out, we could even order some angus sliders, if this conversation takes place at the type of bar that happens to have angus sliders on their menu. Maybe some fries, too, because how can you eat angus sliders without fries?

Right now, however, I just want to marinate and luxuriate in the potential international petty of Darth Cheeto not being invited to the second-biggest social event of the year (the Black Panther premiere is first, obviously) while his archnemesis Barack Obama gets a monogrammed gift bag and complimentary bottle service.

Can you imagine how pissed and hurt this motherfucker would be if that happened? He’d probably pull Omarosa off line at Chico’s or Shake Shack or wherever the hell she happened to be and hire her again just so he could fire her. And the tweets! The glorious and oblivious and deranged tweets! He might literally break Twitter. And by “literally break Twitter,” I mean “get so pissed while tweeting that he hurls his phone off of Stephen Miller’s forehead, shattering the phone because Stephen Miller’s forehead consists of concretized ghoul vomit.”

Apparently the British government is aware of this potential international crisis, and they’re already in full damage-control mode.

From Politico:

Prince Harry is close to the Obamas following their collaboration during the Invictus Games, a sporting event for war veterans, in September. The British government is concerned with the potential diplomatic fallout if the former American president meets the royal family before the current president does.

“Harry has made it clear he wants the Obamas at the wedding, so it’s causing a lot of nervousness,” the tabloid quotes a “senior government source” saying. “Trump could react very badly if the Obamas get to a royal wedding before he has had a chance to meet the queen.”


Of course, this petty has to be tempered a bit because considering who Donald Trump is, “react very badly” could mean that he enacts a special tax on niggas. And then literally calls it the “Special Tax on Niggas.” But still. I’ll pay the special nigga tax if it means that he spends at least one night naked in the shower crying into a bucket of KFC about the royal snub. So please, 2018, your predecessor was trash, so please make it up to all of us by allowing this to happen.



Eh, fuck him.

If the diplomatic experts are worried they can send a delagation of politicians to visit him.

Ms. Markle already called the Commander in Queef a misogynist, and there was Trump’s fixation and UNWANTED persuit of Diana, and his rude tweets about when Kate sunbathed topless on vacation, and was caught by telephoto lens. There isn’t a member of the wedding party he hasn’t already offended.

I can’t think of anyone less likely to be invited, barring Steve Bannon resurrecting Hitler. It’s not like they were gonna serve Filet ‘O fish anyway.