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And Then There Were 8

I think it's safe to say NFL Wild Card Weekend didn't disappoint.

While Joe Biden was continuing the annual tradition of white politicians embarrassing themselves on MLK Dayโ€”โ€œEven Dr. Kingโ€™s assassination did not have the worldwide impact that George Floydโ€™s death didโ€ were his goofy-ass words, not mineโ€”the Los Angeles Rams were doing the Kid โ€˜n Play Kick-Step all over the Arizona Cardinalsโ€™ corpse.

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Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?
Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?

It was an ass whooping of epic proportions, the type of brutal beating where CPS probably shouldโ€™ve been called since the remains of Arizonaโ€™s offensive line have yet to be foundโ€”and Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray was last seen filing aggravated assault charges against Von Miller and Aaron Donald.

https://twitter.com/NFL/status/1483254702867427332?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

As someone who spent most of his adult life living in Phoenixโ€”15 years to be exactโ€”Iโ€™ve watched plenty of Cardinals football and have vivid memories of the entire city looking like it was about to ride on some Crips in the weeks leading up to Super Bowl XLIII. But one thing we always joked about was if there was a way for the Cards to break our hearts and fuck things up with a big game on the line, they would find it.

That was the exact thought running through my mind when Odell Beckham Jr. got busy in the end zone...

https://twitter.com/NFL/status/1483253317618872325?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Only for Kyler Murray to yell, โ€œHold my beer!โ€ shortly thereafter:

https://twitter.com/BleacherReport/status/1483266580188307459?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

By the time the vultures finished snacking on the Cardinalsโ€™ kidneys and gall bladder, the score was 34-11; finallyโ€”mercifullyโ€”bringing Arizonaโ€™s complete and utter annihilation to its humiliating end.

โ€œLosing is one thing,โ€ Murray told reporters as he fought to remove Von Millerโ€™s foot from his ass. โ€œBut when you donโ€™t even make it competitive is another.โ€

Oh, it was another, alright.

The Rams dominated the time of possession and had nearly twice as many passing yards as the Cardinals (235 to 122). And if it wasnโ€™t for some garbage time stats from Arizona, the autopsy report would look even more gruesome.

โ€œWhat a team effort,โ€ Rams quarterback Matt Stafford said. โ€œOur defense played outstanding tonight. Special teams basically set up a score [...] and we were good enough on offense to score some points and come away with the win. Just happy to be moving on.โ€

Sadly, the same canโ€™t be said for the Cardinals, who went from booked and busy to wondering if their fortunes wouldโ€™ve played out differently if perennial Pro-Bowler DeAndre Hopkinsโ€”whoโ€™s still recovering from knee surgeryโ€”wouldโ€™ve been able to take the field.

SPOILER WARNING: They wouldnโ€™t have.

That leaves us with eight teams vying for the Vince Lombardi Trophy during next weekendโ€™s Divisional Round:

The Cincinnati Bengals, who broke one of the nastiest generational curses in pro sports when they won their first playoff game in 31 years on Saturday. (Bonus points for decapitating the Los Angeles Oakland Las Vegas Raiders and their degenerate fans along the way.)

The Tennessee Titans, who just got Julio Jones and All-Galaxy running back Derrick Henry back in the foldโ€”and word on the street is the latter eats babies for breakfast.

The San Fransisco Jimmy Garoppolos, who had front row seats to the Dallas Cowboysโ€™ 14 penalties and inexplicable suicide mission during the closing seconds of Sundayโ€™s Wild Card game.

https://twitter.com/danorlovsky7/status/1482879842324525066?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

The Green Bay Unvaccinated Liars, who are experiencing their own iteration of ESPNโ€™s The Last Dance and will probably be playing in the Super Bowl.

The Tampa Bay Bucs, who can do all things through Jesus Christ Tom Brady who imbues them with strength drawn from his love letters to Antonio Brown, alkaline diet, and unyielding white privilege.

The Buffalo Bills and Kansas City Chiefs, who each feature quarterbacks who were drafted after graduating from Xavierโ€™s School of Gifted Mutants.

And the Los Angeles Rams, who are just happy to get an invite to prom.

I, for one, am absolutely looking to this upcoming weekend of NFL football and for your sake, I hope youโ€™re feeling the same way.

Straight From The Root

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