An Investigation On Why Good Sex Sometimes Sounds Exactly Like Mac And Cheese Being Stirred


It is an indisputable fact that sex, when its good, often sounds eerily similar to a serving spoon stirring a pot of macaroni and cheese.


This is something I first noticed over a decade ago while running an afterschool program and taking a trip to the kitchen where the daily meal was prepared. And seeing it was mac and cheese. And then noticing that the sound of it being mixed was very familiar but not placing that sound immediately. But then placing that sound and then literally saying "holy shit!" And then having one of the counselors working with me ask "what happened?" And then me telling her. And then her saying "holy shit, you're right!" And then us recognizing the inappropriateness of having a somewhat sexually explicit conversation in the kitchen of an afterschool program. And then us going back to the common room with the kids. And two bowls of mac and cheese.

For years, I assumed I was the only special snowflake who noticed that connection, but a quick google shows that others have as well. (Although, to my credit, a VSB piece I mentioned it in predates the rest of the results. So maybe I started this. If true, it definitely needs to go on my Wiki page.)

Anyway, let's forget about the what for a moment and focus on the why. Why does our favorite activity sound so much like the creation of one of our favorite foods? Also, am I the only one who thinks this is weird as fuck? Imagine if sex sounded like, I don't know, a mailbox being opened or a tweet being sent. We'd think that was weird, right? So why don't we think this is weird? #Thisisweird.

Fortunately I have a theory. Two actually.

1. Remember that scene in The Matrix when they were talking how the fact that so many things taste like chicken is a mistake the machines made when constructing the matrix?

Perhaps God made a similar error when putting things through the "this is what things are going to sound like" factory.

Maybe the sex sound test and the mac and cheese sound test were both scheduled for late on a Saturday, and since he was planning on talking Sunday off, maybe he was doing what the rest of us do when your work day is almost over and you have the next day off. Watching twerk videos on YouTube. Basically, awesome sex and the awesomest combination of cheese and a starch sound the exact same because God was distracted.

2. Sex sounds like mac and cheese…and a lot of other things.

You know what also kinda, sorta sounds like sex? When the walkers on The Walking Dead are disemboweled. And when dressing is being stuffed into a raw turkey. And the noise horse's mouths make when they're just standing there, slobbering. And when assholes chew gum. Of course, none of these things are as fun and appealing as the sound of mac and cheese. So we don't associate them with the sex sound, because ewww.


Hopefully these theories provide some insight about this phenomenon. And if they didn't, if this is the first time you've ever even heard of the sex/mac and cheese connection, you're welcome.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


Parappa gotta believe