All the People (Who Aren’t Doing Anything) Trump Should Ask to His Inauguration

Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone (screenshot)
Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone (screenshot)

Let’s be honest with each other. There’s way too much hateration in this dance soiree (yes, that is what Mary J. Blige was trying to sing to us). This land of the free and home of the brave that we’ve found ourselves living in is taking a turn for the worse. Like, Jennifer Holliday, who would obviously do anything for a check. Here’s hoping she becomes one of Donald Trump’s favorite “African Americans.”


Trump is set to become our 45th president of the United States of America. Mike Pence is going to be his right-hand man. Jeff Sessions most likely will become the attorney general, and he’s basically promising the American public that he’s here for us ... all of us. And Trump has nominated Ben Carson to be secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, you know, because he’s black and grew up poor, so he gets it.

Needless to say, while many of us are dreading the impending inauguration of one Donald J. Trump, the inauguration itself is typically a spectacle: speeches, someone fabulous singing the national anthem, some remarks from the new president and a cheering crowd. Since this year’s inauguration comes with a gray cloud, and literally no one wants to do it, we wondered if Trump should make it a full-on show and add more entertainment than just Jennifer Holliday.

Here are some folks Trump should also ask:

  1. Khia: She could perform “My Neck, My Back” while educating us about the dismantling of the Affordable Care Act.
  2. Ruben Studdard: Mostly because, what else is he doing? No, really.
  3. Azealia Banks: She could go on right after Khia and sing “212,” then let us know how our freedom of speech will change.
  4. Shad Moss: We’ve found our master of ceremonies! He is the best person to count down Trump’s swearing-in.
  5. Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone: Most of Trump’s supporters just lovvvveee blackface.
  6. George Zimmerman: He could do some jokes, considering he’s the biggest joke of them all.
  7. Rachel Dolezal: She could set up a hair-braiding booth in the back.

Who else deserves to be on this lineup for the first-ever Presidential Inauguration Show?


World's Moistest Jheri Curl

Mel Gibson could do all his greatest hits with his backup band ‘Pack of Ni**ers’