About Putin and His New Boo

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Now that doomsday has happened, there are certain things to which we can look forward.

For one, there will be pain. Lots and lots of pain. Unfortunately, it won’t be like a Betty Wright track in which said pain will yield some gain. It will just hurt.


There will also be plenty of stupidity because if the confirmation hearings are any indication, we will be beset by inept buffoons, who, much like the 45th president of the United States, have absolutely no business doing the jobs with which they have been tasked.

Of course, there will be loads of corruption because when you elect a con man to the highest office in the land, he’s going to give you your money’s worth.

However, of all the nuisances that await us, one that’s increasingly sticking out to me is that we will be embarking on having the political Ike and Tina Turner in Mango Zedong (Donald Trump) and Vladimir Putin.

For quite some time now, Frack and Fuck-Up have been whispering sweet nothings to each other in the public space, reminding me of a Drake song in which he is oh so smitten, only to end up vexed over the fact that she has dared to have a life aside from him.


If previous comments are any indication, these two will very much behave like a celebrity couple desperately trying to sway you into giving a damn about their union. Recently, Geppetto (Putin) took up for his new boo thang (Mango Zedong) by addressing the now infamous dossier in which a former MI6 British intelligence agent claims that the Russian government has compromising information about the new U.S. president. During a press conference Tuesday, Putin said, “These things that have been alleged are clearly false information.”

(Because if you want truth, you turn to a man trained in the art of lying like hell for the advancement of specific agents.)


Among the various forms of malarkey the lying head of state presented to a forced audience, though, this portion was particularly comical: “Did Trump really come and meet with Moscow prostitutes? Firstly, he is an adult, and secondly, he is a person who for many years has organized a beauty pageant, socialized with the most beautiful women in the world. It is hard to believe that he ran to a hotel to meet with our girls of a low social class, although they are the best in the world.”

This is not how prostitution works, but it’s clearly a sign of someone standing by his man. I suppose if the former KGB agent allegedly put in all that effort to housebreak his new pet, it would make sense for him to go above and beyond to protect him. You know, even if that means saying with a straight face that loads of women want to smash a man who looks like a pot of lasagna made from old slices of Kraft cheese.


Still, it was already stomach-churning to watch an American campaigning to be president laud an authoritarian figure from a hostile foreign government, but now we have to spend maybe four years living with this.

While the crowds in Washington, D.C., were thin-crust pizza for the inauguration, it was apparently a lituation over in Moscow. Indeed, The Independent reported that supporters of Putin held an all-night party in celebration of the U.S. president who U.S. intelligence agencies all agree benefited from the assistance of the Russian government in winning the presidential election.


Adam Lusher wrote: “One of the organizers, Konstantin Rykov, who has served as a Russian MP affiliated to Putin’s United Russia Party and has also been described as a ‘Kremlin web propagandist,’ invited his Facebook followers to the event with the comment: ‘See you in the evening. Washington will be ours.’”

Despite the new administration’s claims to the contrary, we undoubtedly will soon have to bear the sight of Mango Zedong and Putin standing side-by-side in jubilee like they’re Ja Rule and Ashanti about to perform “Always on Time.” While there is a special shade of irony in the guy who promised to “Make America great again” being so clingy to the de facto dictator of Russia, it is not enough to gloss over how infuriating it is to see such a low-level ruse happen in real time.


For far too long, black folks have had their patriotism questioned. This would include the first black president of the United States, who has shown far greater faith in this nation than it arguably deserves. Yet this wealthy, spoiled white man has had everything handed to him in life (or he swindled it from people without serious repercussions), and still he refuses to criticize someone who has shown nothing but contempt for the country he’s been elected to run. He loves his new Russian boyfriend like his name is Ivanka Trump. Sad!

The dick can’t be that good—at least not as strong as whatever Putin seems to have over the 45th president. I don’t know what the political equivalent of herpes is, but once Putin and the new president formally meet, I hope they both catch it.

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About the author

Michael Arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.