A Running List of Things Straight Men Can't and Shouldn't Do Because It'll Make Us Gay

Illustration for article titled A Running List of Things Straight Men Can't and Shouldn't Do Because It'll Make Us Gay
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1. Eat whole bananas

2. Eat Popsicles

3. Eat lollipops

4. Eat kale

5. Eat salads

6. Do yoga

7. Do intricate dances with women

8. Do intricate dances with other men

9. Dance, generally

10. Have female friends that you are not interested in having sex with

11. Spend time with said female friends

12. Go to brunch

13. Have too many female friends

14. Have too many male friends

15. Go to a movie, maybe, with a male friend or two

16. Go on a trip, maybe, with a male friend or two

17. Ride a bike

18. Eat pussy

19. Have anal sex with a woman

20. Have a woman do anything to anything within the general area of your ass while you’re having sex with her


21. Have gay friends

22. Maybe not have gay friends, but just not hate or felt threatened by gay men

23. Wear jeans that fit too snug

24. Wear jeans that fit too loose

25. Be too fashionable

26. Exfoliate

27. Have a regular skin regimen

28. Wipe your ass thoroughly after taking a shit

29. Watch a television show or movie that’s centered on the lives of women

30. Read novels

31. Be an adult male virgin

32. Be an adult male with maybe not as many sexual partners as you’re supposed to have

33. Go to church

34. Sing at church

35. Just sing in general, unless it’s a Gerald Levert song

36. Be too happy

37. Be openly depressed

38. See a therapist

39. Be a therapist

40. Get a colonoscopy

41. Get a prostate exam

42. Get married

43. Stay single and childless

44. Cry

45. Vocalize the experience of experiencing pain

46. Love a man who is not your dad or, like, John Shaft

47. Wear colors that have arbitrarily been declared to be feminine colors

48. Drink fruity or too sweet alcoholic beverages

49. Not be into sports

50. Be too into sports

51. Be into the wrong sports

52. Be into the right sports, but don’t play them manly enough

53. Wear short shorts

54. Wear shorts that sag

55. Shower in front of other men

56. Be scared to shower in front of other men

57. Have long hair

58. Date/sleep with a woman with short hair

59. Suggest that men who commit crimes against women receive appropriate legal consequences

60. Drink water

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


Damon Young

More additions:

use exclamation points

use emoji

send texts other than “aiight”

talk on the phone

hold a purse, for even a second

play with baby dolls and other toys most commonly associated with girls

cook things by methods other than grilling, smoking, and frying

push your baby in a stroller if your gf/wife happens to be present