Vote 2020 graphic
Everything you need to know about and expect during
the most important election of our lifetimes

A Presidential Walk of Shame and Everything Else That Happened After Trump’s Tragic Tulsa Rally

Illustration for article titled A Presidential Walk of Shame and Everything Else That Happened After Trump’s Tragic Tulsa Rally
Photo: Nicholas Kamm (Getty Images)

In the end, Trump’s Tulsa rally on Saturday turned out like most of the president’s tenure on the job; there was a lot of hype, a show, and a depleted and bombed out crowd. What was supposed to be a packed house of 19,000 turned out to be about the same amount of people who could fit into a Ford Crown Victoria. The Tulsa rally, the rally to end all rallies, the “fuck coronavirus” rally for the ages, turned out to be a complete disaster with some 6,200 people showing up at the BOK Center to gawk at the president like “Whose mans is this?.”

Advertisement

There are plenty of people to blame for Trump’s dismal display, but don’t get it twisted; this is all Eric Trump’s fault. I don’t know if Eric Trump played any role in any of this, but fuck Eric Trump. I will always blame him for everything. Everyone is trying to lay claim to Trump’s paltry playhouse of phuckshit. Mary Jo Laupp posted a TikTok video on June 11 encouraging everyone to register for tickets and then not show up to the rally.

“I recommend that all of those of us that want to see this 19,000-seat auditorium barely filled or completely empty go reserve tickets now, and leave (Donald Trump) standing there alone on the stage.”

Advertisement

Well it sounds like it worked as her video was viewed some 2.1 million times and TikTok teens and K-Pop fans (seriously, we all need K-pop fans when we are trying to do some petty shit as they have proven to be the kind of allies the Black Lives Matter Movement needs) all reserved tickets using fake phones numbers (which was all that was needed to register). Oh, the Trump team was besides themselves with glee to believe that some 1 million people had reserved tickets to this coronavirus clusterfuck. They even planned an overflow stage to serve the thousands of guests that weren’t going to make it inside. In the end, much like Trump’s performance with Russian prostitutes, it was all a big urine-soaked mess.

Ja Rule reportedly performed at a house party with more people than at Trump’s rally.

The president’s walk off the plane at the end of the evening was hilarious and should be used as his presidential portrait.

Advertisement

Seriously, look at this sad sack of Orange Fanta:

Advertisement

You know that a baby panda died on this night.

Campaign manager Brad Parscale reportedly agreed to let the president beat his testicles with a hammer which the president reportedly turned down because he wanted to physically remove Parscale’s spleen with his tiny hands.

Advertisement

The president was fuming at his top political aides Saturday even before the rally began after his campaign revealed that six members of the advance team on the ground in Tulsa had tested positive for COVID-19, including Secret Service personnel, a person familiar with the discussions said.”

Trump wasn’t upset that six members of his team tested positive for the coronavirus, he was annoyed that someone on his team leaked the info to the press before his presidential quinceañera.

Advertisement

With less than five months before elections, the Trump campaign hasn’t even centered on a clear and coherent reason as to why the president needs a second term in office. As it stands, during his nearly two-hour rally speech, the president attacked everyone and said nothing, which is becoming a hallmark of his presidency.

Make no mistake about it, Trump is blaming everyone for his washed-up presidential rally that no one wanted to see. So far I’ve heard coronavirus fears (which is funny considering that his supporters generally don’t believe in washing their legs or wearing masks in public), possible thunderstorms, 95-degree heat. The funny part about kids registering for all those tickets is this: the Trump campaign put no cap on how many tickets could be acquired ,so those kids didn’t stop true Trump supporters from attending. If his supporters really wanted to see the president, they could’ve.

Advertisement

In the end, Trump performed to a nearly empty arena and there is a metaphor in here somewhere about an emperor and clothes and “Make America hate again” and rallies and Eric Trump but that would take away from the glorious failure this all turned out to be.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

My understanding is that the Tik-Tok ad K-pop folks may have contributed to the wildly optimistic projections of the rally size, but did not actually prevent anyone who wanted to attend from getting in. Which is far better. Donald Trump couldn’t fill a small arena because people just didn’t want to come.