A Conspiracy Theorist’s Guide to the US Attack on Syria

Mario Tama/Getty Images
Mario Tama/Getty Images

This lying-ass administration will make a conspiracy theorist out of the best of us. Because I don’t believe anything that anyone representing President Vladimir TrumPutin has to say, when word came out that the U.S. had bombed Syria, I was immediately skeptical.


Sure, I’d seen the heartbreaking photos of children being killed in a reported gas attack by Syrian President Bashar Assad. I, like anyone else who’d seen those photos, was moved, but I’ve learned, in less than 100 days, that anything coming from this administration is to be taken with a half-gallon of salt. President TrumPutin has given me no reason to believe that he’s anything other than a con artist with bad hair and bad skin. I don’t believe he has a heart, so his acting as if those photos moved him to military action feels like the kind of swarmy shit that this administration lives for.

I’m not a historian on Syrian-U.S. relations; nor am I learned in all of the histrionics surrounding Russian ties to the Syrian government, but I did grow up in Washington, D.C., in the 1980s right around the time crack destroyed the city, and as such, I know bullshit when I hear it.

We love Russia and Russia has Syria in its back pocket, so why would we attack Syria? 

Clearly, the U.S. and Russia are Tinder lovers who are trying to act as if it’s just a sexual relationship. Given that Russia is the muscle for Syria, why would the U.S. make such a bold move against a country that wasn’t threatening the U.S.? Because TrumPutin wants to make it clear that he is not in love with Russia, except he totally is.

On the surface, attacking Syria looks like a direct blow to Russia. It’s a bold move that the administration will try to use ad nauseam to show how it’s not aligned with Mother Russia. Think of it as a high school staged public breakup. Will it work? Of course not. Anyone with decent vision and a ninth-grade education at a public school (fuck Betsy DeVos) can see that none of this passes the smell test.

So if the move was to distance the U.S. from Russia, why did the U.S. inform Russia of the attack? 

Wait! Hol’ up! The U.S. did what? Yep, this lying-ass shitty administration called Russia before it bombed Syria to say, “Hey, we’re going to bomb Syria, and just making sure you are cool with that.”


According to ABC News, the Syrian military anticipated an attack and began moving equipment and personnel shortly before the U.S. launched 59 tomahawk missiles.

Big oil man-turned-U.S. Secretary of State (because that makes sense) Rex Tillerson swears that the U.S. didn’t discuss the planned attack with Russian President Vladimir Putin. But the U.S. military told ABC News that it did communicate with the “Russian military to minimize any chance of Russian casualties—in particular, Russians operating out of the targeted airfield.”


So someone is lying, but why doesn’t that strike anyone as a surprise?

Wait, the U.S. told Russia about the attack and didn’t tell Congress? 

Because President TrumPutin and his Beverly Hillbillies administration play by their own rules, they completely bypassed congressional approval and just did whatever they wanted to do because that’s how they roll. What makes this attack even more interesting is a 2013 tweet from TrumPutin himself after a Syrian sarin-gas attack that killed civilians.


“The President must get Congressional approval before attacking Syria—big mistake if he does not!” he posted in August 2013.



I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be bombing Syria, since Assad has proved himself to be a horrible person. I’m just saying that a lot is going on right now, and I don’t know if I want President Ass Putin to decide anything on his own without congressional approval. I also know that going to war, even fake wars, is part of a presidential playbook to deflect and explain all types of skullduggery, from budget cuts to crazy spending, and, yes, to take the heat off of America and Russia’s Netflix-and-chill relationship.

I know that in the past week, the White House has looked shakier than it’s been in months, with news coming out daily that the seams are splitting. Sounds like Steve Bannon is on the outs and Reince Preibus might not be too far behind him. Jared Kushner is basically the president, and Ivanka Trump is still in the White House doing God knows what. Devin Nunes finally recused himself from the House Intelligence Committee investigation into Russia and Trump’s obvious relationship, and now we’re at war. Even if I agree with bombing Syria, it doesn’t mean I agree with the reasoning, and it’s like my grandfather always said: If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it’s probably an orange-skinned asshat in a duck costume.



I have to say I’m not surprised in the least. It’s three card monte, just another con from a man who loves the con. Watch the investigation into collusion with Russia stall and fizzle out, buried in cries from the Alt-Right to support the “president.” If this turd actually cared for children he wouldn’t be stealing funds from social programs to build a useless wall and pump more funds into a bloated military.