A Conspiracy Theorist’s Guide to FBI Director James Comey’s Firing

Alex Wong/Getty Images
Alex Wong/Getty Images

President Vladimir TrumPutin and his Big Baller Brand-ass administration is like N.W.A when they dropped their first album. They’re brash, abrasive and in-your-face. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if TrumPutin, Sean “Spicy Facts” Spicer, Steve “Big Poppa” Bannon and Jared “Got Dem Visas” Kushner just walked out of the Oval Office like this:


On Tuesday evening, TrumPutin dropped an unexpected bomb that left folks on both sides of the aisle speechless. Literally out of nowhere, President Vladimir TrumPutin fired FBI Director James Comey in a completely gangster-ass way.

Word on the street is that Comey was giving a speech to FBI agents in Los Angeles when he saw on the television screen that he’d been let go.

I imagine the scene like this:

Comey: I need everyone to take seriously the administration’s hatred of people of color ...

[News flashes across TV screen: “Comey has been fired.”]

Comey: You know what? Forget everything I just said because I don’t matter anymore.


Do you know how hard it is to give a speech, only to learn that you’ve been fired while you’re talking? A damn news helicopter followed Comey down a Los Angeles freeway after he was fired because, yep, that’s fucking normal.

But Comey’s firing doesn’t make him a sympathetic victim—he’s a dirtbag who totally aided TrumPutin’s ascent to the White House by involving himself in the process just weeks before the election. On Oct. 28, Comey sent a letter to Congress, which of course was leaked to the public, that claimed the FBI had “learned of the existence of emails that appear to be pertinent to the investigation” into Hillary Clinton. Many, myself included, believed that this move alone cost Clinton the White House, so it’s still “Fuck this guy.” TrumPutin’s firing of Comey is like a python squeezing a rattlesnake: Who gives a shit, since both of them are snakes?


But TrumPutin and this Milli Vanilli-ass administration don’t do anything if it isn’t vaguely illegal, highly immoral, questionable or profitable. So let’s look at everything going down behind the scenes and all the possible reasons, both real and imagined, that Comey got the axe.

Russia Investigation

Yes, Comey was looking into Russia, and yes, he was on to something, because everyone knows that when it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably TrumPutin and Russia in a duck costume. I mean, clearly TrumPutin and Russia are carpooling to the office. They lunch together. They play Xbox online together. They braid each other’s hair and talk about boys they think are cute. It’s almost sickening, the level of canoodling between this Rachel Dolezal-ass administration and Mother Russia.


So of course Comey was on to something, and as such, he had to go. This administration doesn’t care about decorum or appearance—hell, the president paints his face with orange shit each morning; you think he gives a fuck about how he looks? It’s like my grandfather has always said: Never trust a man who wears blush all over his face.

Hillary Clinton

The funniest part about this whole thing is that Comey burned Clinton and, in turn, the whole country, when he sent a letter to Congress weeks before the election. In the end, the White House was supposedly unhappy with Comey’s handling of Clinton’s email investigation, and that led to his firing. As it stands, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein sent word to the White House all in a huff because of the way Clinton was treated back in July. Rosenstein was so upset about the release of email news before the election that something had to be done now, in May!?


We don’t have to spend a lot of energy here, class. Do you really believe that the man who ran a campaign calling his opponent “crooked Hillary” and leading crowds in chants of “Lock her up” gives a shit about something that happened back in July? Do you really think this White House—this vindictive, petty, RHOTWH (Real Housewives of the White House)—cares whether Hillary Clinton was treated fairly in July? Stahp and then stop again. Seriously, the noise that comes from this White House is insulting and bizarre.

Jeff Sessions

Um, same phone; who dis?

Da faq is Jeff Sessions even doing here? Last I heard, the attorney general had recused himself because he had momentary amnesia when asked about his dealings with the Russians, and now he’s sending a letter to the president calling for the resignation of the man who is, wait for it, investigating TrumPutin’s connections to Russia.


I don’t even understand how Sessions can legally write letters when he’s in detention. Where is he getting paper and a pencil? Can we find that person who gave him pen and paper and charge them? Someone violated the “No pencil and paper” rule when you’ve been recused, and we’re just going to sit by and act like this didn’t happen?! Sessions wrote a letter, y’all, and he was supposed to be in timeout! What kind of punishment is this?!

The Grand Jury

On Wednesday, only a day after Comey was abruptly let go, it was reported that a grand jury had issued subpoenas in the FBI’s Russia investigation.


“The subpoenas represent the first sign of a significant escalation of activity in the FBI’s broader investigation begun last July into possible ties between Trump campaign associates and Russia,” CNN reports.

While the subpoenas were issued over the last few weeks and relate to former National Security Adviser’s Michael Flynn’s connections with Russia, it’s highly suspicious that Comey has been let go after reports about the first move toward finding out how deeply connected Russia is to the White House.


You don’t have to see the Honda Accord that Russia has parked in the White House driveway to know that Russia has been spending the night.

Comey’s Replacement

The names being tossed around for FBI director read like a list of bozos. Since Comey’s firing, I have seen Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie and that dumb-ass black sheriff who wears the cowboy hat. It honestly doesn’t matter who’s put in place; one thing is for sure, two things for certain: This person won’t have any interest in following the Russian black breadcrumbs that surely lead to the White House. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sarah Palin became head of the FBI because she can see Russia from her house. Sorry, I had to. Also, remember you heard it here first.



Many have called this firing “Nixonian,” and let me explain a bit of what that means: In 1973, during the Watergate scandal, President Richard Nixon ordered special Watergate prosecutor Archibald Cox to be fired, a move that led the attorney general to resign, along with others in the Justice Department, rather than fire Cox, until the job fell to the solicitor general, who let Cox go. Because of the mass resignations and Cox’s dismissal, the move was dubbed the “Saturday Night Massacre.” Within a year, Nixon had resigned. Many believe that Comey’s firing is the tip of the iceberg, but truthfully, we will just have to wait and see.


poo javelin

Hopefully, the crazy motherfucker called Spice Cube will not have a long and successful solo career!

At least Easy T is sticking to form, by picking fights and shafting everyone around him…