A Complete Analysis of the Super Bowl From Someone Who's Protesting the NFL and Didn't Watch the Game

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Well another NFL season has passed and another team owned by a white man has successfully won another Super Bowl championship. Most likely that team is the New England Patriots because Tom Brady is the quarterback and that fucking guy is on the Mount Rushmore of white men. Seriously, the guy is a Hall of Fame quarterback who’s married to a model and has a goddamn chin divot the size of Albuquerque. He’s god’s favorite white guy and most other white guys’ favorite white guy.


The other white guy is the quarterback of the other team as most teams have a white quarterback, including teams that needed to bring in a viable black quarterback who protested black death at the hands of police, but most teams decided they would rather have a white guy run their team because as comedian DL Hughley once joked, and I’m paraphrasing here, “A homeless white man is a shower away from being your manager.”

I’m sure the other white guy was a good quarterback but he’s not god’s favorite white quarterback. Does the other white guy even have a chin divot? If you are going to bet, bet on the guy with the chin divot that can hold a soup spoon and who has a wife that is a super model.

That guy doesn’t lose often.

Also, Brady’s owner kicks it with Meek Mill, dances with Cardi B. and yet still defends and protects Donald Trump, so basically this guy is a true white ally and someone you definitely shouldn’t be betting against.

Wait, almost forgot that Gladys Knight was out there before the game even started setting the civil rights movement back with her rendition of “I don’t give a shit why Rosa Parks ain’t riding but my feet hurt and I’m trying to get on this bus!” performance of the national anthem.

The bus that Gladys was on had already rolled over former quarterback Colin Kaepernick long before she took the field.


“I understand that Mr. Kaepernick is protesting two things, and they are police violence and injustice,” Knight wrote in a statement to Variety on Thursday. “It is unfortunate that our national anthem has been dragged into this debate when the distinctive senses of the national anthem and fighting for justice should each stand alone.

“I am here today and on Sunday, Feb. 3 to give the anthem back its voice, to stand for that historic choice of words, the way it unites us when we hear it and to free it from the same prejudices and struggles I have fought long and hard for all my life, from walking back hallways, from marching with our social leaders, from using my voice for goodI have been in the forefront of this battle longer than most of those voicing their opinions to win the right to sing our country’s Anthem on a stage as large as the Super Bowl LIII.


“No matter who chooses to deflect with this narrative and continue to mix these two in the same message, it is not so and cannot be made so by anyone speaking it. I pray that this National Anthem will bring us all together in a way never before witnessed and we can move forward and untangle these truths which mean so much to all of us.”

That statement has earned Gladys the Jerry Rice “Tastemask” award for best actress in a role detrimental to her people.


And, to make it even worse, I can’t say that old Gladys did it for the money as she didn’t even get much of a bag for the performance.


According to sources, Gladys got a shower caddy and pineapple Nehi to completely sellout out the movement for black rights.

From Money:

The NFL covers “all costs,” from travel and accommodations to production set-up, a NFL spokesperson tells MONEY. But, historically, Super Bowl national anthem singers and halftime performers aren’t compensated much beyond that. The NFL spokesperson says halftime performers — like 2019’s Maroon 5, Travis Scott, and Big Boi — are paid on a “union scale,” likely referring to minimums required by the Screen Actors Guild union. It’s unclear if Knight will receive that payment, and those minimums are far less hefty than the checks acclaimed artists receive for a typical performance.


I know that Gladys Knight is a national treasure and I don’t want to try and downplay all that she has done for music but if she turns out to be the Bee in the Masked Singer I’m done with Gladys.


There was a halftime show in which The Voice coach’s band, Kylie Jenner’s baby father and the Not-Andre 3000 half of Outkast performed.



Also there was surely some black running backs who ran fast into a bunch other black guys who were trying to tackle him and this isn’t me being racist or anything; the league is made up of mostly black players so it goes without saying that there are going to be a bunch of black guys on the field at any given time.


I could tell that the game wasn’t going well since King James went on Twitter and was wondering aloud where were the guys who break NBA trades were:

Image for article titled A Complete Analysis of the Super Bowl From Someone Who's Protesting the NFL and Didn't Watch the Game

Which completely sums up the final game of an NFL season that has never been about anything other than money. I’m glad it’s over because I was growing tired of trying to convince y’all that this wasn’t worth your time. I hope you enjoyed the stellar performance at the final “Clashing of the Overpaid Slaves” and the bean dip, which apparently goes great with betrayal.



“It is unfortunate that our national anthem has been dragged into this debate” —about justice?

the way it unites us when we hear it” What?

OK, Aunt Gladys, singing the national anthem at the Superbowl was somehow on your bucket list. Fine. You really had to use your imagination to come up with that word salad.