A Black Woman Just Won the Presidential Debate Between Two Old White Men

It only took one practice run, a positive coronavirus diagnosis, the refusal to have a virtual debate, a Black female moderator, and the threat of a mute button to finally have a civilized and adult presidential debate.

And by adult, I mean that the president of people who believe that he is the least racist person he knows didn’t keep interrupting former Vice President Joe Biden, but that didn’t stop him from pushing some of the wildest conspiracy theories known to QAnon. At one point, the president of people who believe that candy corn, aka Satan’s butt plug, is actually candy was yelling “Who built the cages, Joe?” during a segment on migrant children being locked away from their parents.

[Editor’s Note from News Editor Monique Judge: I eat candy corn and I am not a Trump supporter, you rude jerk.]

But I’m jumping the gun a bit and taking the attention off the true winner from last night’s debate: NBC White House correspondent Kristen Welker. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to moderate the shit out of a debate but Kristen Welker moderated the shit out of the debate. It’s the first time that I’ve seen President Trump actually STFU and listen, and it was glorious. She held his feet to the flames and forced him to answer tough questions and even if those answers were bullshit, he had to answer them.

What transpired was actually, dare I say it, a debate. Two people from opposing sides with opposing views argued their positions. Sure, one of them was completely making shit up and forcing the other side to answer conspiracy theories, but at least it didn’t go off the rails; and for an administration that prides itself on alternative facts and completely made up bullshit, that’s saying a lot.

At one point, President Trump actually praised Welker, whom he’d been bashing all week:

“So far, I respect very much the way you’re handling this,” Trump said, and while they didn’t show Welker’s face, I assume it looked a lot like this:

If you are still undecided and this debate was what you needed to help you make your decision, then I have two thoughts on that matter. One, you are racist. And two, you are totally fucking racist. Even considering voting for Trump makes you racist. Possibly supporting racism makes you racist. Pondering between racism and raised taxes makes you a racist you fucking racist. And nothing spectacular happened in this debate if you’ve been watching. Biden didn’t threaten to take Trump outside for a round of fisticuffs, which is a win for him, and Trump continued to push deep state conspiracy theories, which is a win for him. Both appealed to the sides they support; Biden appealing to reason and Trump appealing to white men in isolated trailers wearing tinfoil underpants. In short, everyone held serve but if you’re looking for a winner, there was only one clear person who owned that debate and that was Welker.

Proving once again that when America wants something done right—when America needs saving; when America can’t get one grown-ass man to act like an adult, they call on a Black woman.