Yo, it’s been a hard year for black people. Overt racism and microaggressions abound. Here are eight costumes that you can wear to reclaim and proclaim your power.
1. Radio Raheem
Radio Raheem in Spike Lee’s 1989 film Do the Right Thing exhibited the necessity of the #BlackLivesMatter movement before it became a hashtag.
Be the first to get the party started this Halloween by emulating the late Bill Nunn’s famed character. To scare ’em like Raheem, rock a “Bed-Stuy Do or Die” T-shirt and a pair of love-hate knuckle rings. Place an old boom box on your shoulders, set the volume to the max and play Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power.” For added fun, blast “Fuck tha Police.” Wypipo will dodge you like bystanders dodging bullets in a drive-by.
2. The Quarterback
NFL player Colin Kaepernick single-handedly scared the shit out of an entire industry without saying one word.
To scare ’em like Kaep, wear his football jersey and either pick your hair out into a ’fro or braid it into cornrows. Then kneel. Wypipo will act as if you set 1 million Benjamin Franklins on fire. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Plus, new rules and regulations. Wypipo love rules and regulations because they’re always fair.
3. The Pro-Black Queen
Beyoncé caused a public relations crisis when she reminded everyone that she is black during her “Formation” performance at Super Bowl 50.
To scare ’em like Bey, learn the “Formation” routine with your crew. Don your studded leather jackets and black leotards that accentuate your thunder thighs, and then—slay. Raise your fist but know that what will really push wypipo over the edge is not including any token white dancers. They will cry real tears ’cuz reverse racism.
4. The Legend
Frederick Douglass has done more for black people than any other civil rights leader. For one, he single-handedly rebuked the notion that pressed hair is the best hair.
To scare ’em like Freddie Douglass, you don’t need any special clothing. Just wear your natural hair. Wypipo will cry like their mama left the perm on their edges too long.
5. The Cowgirl
Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fla.) recently made headlines when she claimed that President Trigger-Tweeter made insensitive remarks to a newly widowed Army wife.
If you’ve ever wanted to be part of a rodeo, political or otherwise, here’s your chance. To scare ’em like Rep. Wilson, dress up in your Sunday best with a matching sequined hat and grab ’em by the lies. They will get MAD like you stashed their $10 million inheritance in a secret bank account off the coast of Puerto Rico.
6. The Time Snatcher
When Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) made headlines by refusing to let Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin dodge questions during a hearing, she became the poster woman for how to use “the rules” to demand transparency in politics.
To scare ’em like Auntie Maxine, put on an expensive suit, do your hair and makeup real good, and hang a gargantuan clock around your neck, Flavor Flav style. If a white person says anything off-kilter, defiantly say, “Reclaiming my time.” If you refuse to let wypipo speak, they will fume, and their attorneys will surely sue you for defamation of character and censorship.
7. The Black Panther
Although Marvel’s Black Panther won’t debut till February of 2018, black people are already planning their Black Panther after-party outfits.
There’s no need to wait till Black History Month, though. To scare ’em like T’Challa (or his all-female security team), put on a formfitting costume that showcases your powerful brown brawn. If you live in an open-carry state, then grab your pistol. Wypipo—who already don’t like the term “Black Panther” because it reminds them of the Black Power movement—will lose. Their. Shit. They will rally and riot. Some states may even create new anti-open-carry laws, just to be safe.
8. The President
No national figure strikes more derision and fear in the hearts of wypipo than former President Barack Obama.
To scare ’em like Obama, wear a suit; be smart, articulate, charismatic, down-to-earth and compassionate; and create change. Wypipo will cry like you stole their roasted-red-pepper hummus. They will panic like you moved their cranberry-crusted goat cheese. They will scream like Obama declared water sports illegal and they’re destined to be landlocked hence now and forever more.