I will admit that my job requires me to watch all of the congressional hearings and all of the pundits rattling off reasons why the world and the economy aren’t going to collapse. I’m literally paid to watch members of Congress fumble over themselves to support one of the most corrupt presidencies America has ever seen.
Despite being paid to watch these programs, what The Root doesn’t know is that I’d watch them for free. What the world has yet to realize is that congressional hearings, press conferences, and cable news shows are truthfully the first reality television shows—which is fitting considering that the president of the United States is a reality charlatan who has turned the White House into the Real White Housewives of D.C.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) has already gone full “don’t play with me” during a press conference shortly after announcing that the House will move forward with articles of impeachment. Next week, the House Judiciary Committee will hold hearings to decide on the articles of impeachment, which shouldn’t take long, as they are likely to paraphrase the fuck out of the House Intelligence Committee’s report issued on Tuesday. All signs point to a House vote to impeach before Christmas, which moves this whole messy thing over to the Senate. And, if you still don’t think that was enough action, here are five reasons you should’ve binge-watched the old white men fuss-fight and turn red-faced-a-thon.
5. Daytime drama
I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal but the only thing on TV during the daytime are judge shows, soap operas and reruns of My 600-lb. Life. The congressional hearings had all the drama of judges shows. Hell, on Tuesday, four lawyers sat before the House Judiciary Committee (think three good folks and one moderately bad guy) and explained in explicit detail how the president of the United States not only needs to be impeached, he has to be impeached. The moderately bad guy was just like, look, I don’t care for Trump but this whole thing feels unfair. And then he talked about his dog.
A fucking goldendoodle!
A goldendoodle, son!
OK, fine. Fuck that guy.
The star of Tuesday’s hearing was Pamela Karlan, professor of law at Stanford Law School, who was not there for any foolishness and even burned the president during her testimony—even if it was a dig at the president’s young son.
“Contrary to what President Trump has said, Article 2 [of the Constitution] does not give him the power to do anything he wants,” she said. “The Constitution says there can be no titles of nobility, so while the president can name his son Barron, he can’t make him a baron.”
Fine, whatever, she apologized later because you know the GOP—the same folks that don’t give a shit about Latinx children being taken from their parents and thrown in jail—got all huffy about a rip on poor sweet Barron’s name.
Meanwhile, everyone knows that Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) is Trump’s most beloved son.
4. The drama is kind of like The Bachelor
So instead of fighting for roses and a night with the chosen single man, the hearings were a GOP lust fest to see who could become the president’s favorite footstool and washer of his hairy back. It was literally an arms race to see which Republican Congress member could earn the president’s affection and, in turn, maybe a chance to spend the night in the president’s bedroom polishing his human hair helmet with the Viking horns and fetching more baby goat blood for the president’s evening feeding.
Don’t worry, the president has more than enough room since we all know that Melania ain’t sleeping there.
Rep. Gaetz is in the lead in case you were wondering. It really shouldn’t be shocking considering he’s Trump’s illegitimate son, who he recently took to a World Series game.
3. Post-impeachment hearing Olympic-level whining
The white male Republican ego is the true Fabergè egg—if a Fabergè egg was made out of heartless pig shit. Their ego is the real snowflake. The Republican male ego is softer than Trump’s evening feeding of smooshed carrots sautéed in baby goat blood.
The post-impeachment hearing whining began with GOP Congress members flooding social media with hot white tears. All of the GOP white male sadness can be summed up in the tweets of Trump’s third testicle, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham.
And here is Trump’s most beloved hemorrhoid claiming the Salem witch trials were more fair than Trump’s treatment:
2. Matt Gaetz
I don’t know if I’ve made this clear, but I love Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz with all my heart. The world needs a Matt Gaetz if for nothing else than to be walking proof of the existence of Florida Man. He’s also proof of the Devil’s existence. He’s proof that someone can drop out of school in the third grade and still make something out of themselves. Gaetz makes California Congressman Devin Nunes look like a Rhodes scholar. If you were asking Matt Gaetz the square root of 4 and Nunes walked by, you’d abandon Gaetz’s puzzled look to get the answer from Nunes. Gaetz is basically the friend you can get to ask a police officer if he’s ever seen Uranus and then die laughing because he doesn’t get the joke.
Currently, Gaetz believes that there are two presidents and the other president, the one not named Trump, should be impeached. Then Gaetz tweeted out this dumb-ass statement because only an asshole would big-up his own questioning during the proceedings
1. Nancy Pelosi
The Speaker of the House has become Trump’s nemesis. She’s the calm to his shitstorm. She has become the one who has been steadily burning down his house of lies. I just wished she owned it more. Like Lizzo before her, I think it’s OK for Pelosi to truly own the moment. Maybe she could spice up her dress a bit as I see nothing wrong with wearing a lacefront during her press conferences. Fine, that might be a step too far but maybe she could wear sunglasses or those big after-cataract surgery shades that truly say “I own this bitch!”
Plus, and this can’t be overlooked, Pelosi is a woman and there is one thing that Trump hates more than being owned and it’s being owned by a woman. Pelosi is owning the moment but she could own it a bit better with a du-rag.
Seriously, wouldn’t this dressing-down have been much better if Pelosi was wearing a silkie?