Illustration for article titled House Democrats’ Impeachment Report Confirms Trump Is a Finesser Who Cares More About KFC Than America
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

In news that should be shocking to no one with opposable thumbs, a report by House Intelligence Committee Democrats confirms that President Trump was more concerned about his own personal gain than the well-being of the country when he tried to finesse a quid pro quo arrangement with the Ukrainian president.


According to several sources, including God and the truth, the president reportedly tied the release of Ukrainian aid, which had already been approved by Congress, to dirt he wanted on Joe Biden’s son, Hunter.

In a new report released Tuesday, which you can read here but don’t bother because he did that shit, House Dems found that the president is shady AF.

“The President engaged in this course of conduct for the benefit of his own presidential reelection, to harm the election prospects of a political rival, and to influence our nation’s upcoming presidential election to his advantage,” the 300-page report says, CNN reports. “In doing so, the President placed his own personal and political interests above the national interests of the United States, sought to undermine the integrity of the US presidential election process, and endangered US national security.”

The report highlights Trump’s lack of cooperation with the impeachment proceedings as compared to other administrations to show that he’s mad shady. Not to mention the fact that whatever Democrats say he did, he did, because the president has no clue how to president. It’s as if the president was once an unsuccessful businessman who was born on third and touts his ability to hit triples. It’s almost as if the president had no presidential experience but he was super racist and used that super racist-ness to tap into the hearts of other super racists, while ensuring that he’d have the help of Russian hackers to win the election.


Go figure.

Anyway, the report is out and it’s the basis for Democrats’ push for impeachment and it will be voted on Tuesday. Republicans also released their findings but it was mostly Lindsey Graham writing shit like:


Graham and Trump.

2 lovers

2 gether

4 ever.

Followed by a bunch of hearts, and several drawings of Russian sickles.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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