As we enter the second day of our quest to find out who is the worst of the wypipo, we would like to thank all of the voters and participants in this year’s tournament. Because most of our sponsors backed out at the last minute (apparently, the marketing departments at Shea Moisture, Breitbart and Pepsi didn’t think it was such a great idea for their brands), there is no monetary prize or trophy for this year’s winner. The 2017 champion will, however, be able to revel in knowing that his, her, it or their efforts haven’t gone unnoticed.
Remember, this tournament is not about white people. It’s about the brave souls who—knowingly or unknowingly—risk their reputations every day to further the centuries-old subjugation of people of color. It’s about the love of the game. It’s about the spirit of competition.
Here are the remaining competitors in the first round.
This is our full tournament bracket:
This seems like an easy choice. As one of the oldest teams in the competition, the Ku Klux Klan has been looking for a championship since the 19th century, and the neo-Nazis have one of the most recognizable logos in all of wypipo sports.
But the upstart Russian hackers have managed to get all the headlines lately simply because of their ability to subvert the American democracy. We must also remember that even though this is the first year of this tournament, the Russians won their only other previous matchup against the Nazis way back in 1945.
Many people think Flint, Mich., is a shoo-in because it won its regular-season conference by poisoning an entire city, but don’t forget that “Bernie bros” almost flooded the entire country with white tears when Sen. Bernie Sanders lost the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. Their refusal to vote for Hillary Clinton might have paved the way for Donald Trump’s presidency.
Breitbart earned the higher seed because it is a real organization, while the family from Get Out is fictional. But let’s be honest here—who do you hate more: The little-read site that is the “voice for the alt-right,” or the family that is a metaphor for how white America suckers black people into trusting it, only to steal their bodies, minds, culture and talent?
What the hell is a “blue life”? I’ve asked the same question, but apparently, only police officers and Chick-fil-A workers know the answer.
What the hell is a “safe space”? Do you feel “triggered” by this tournament? Does this competition make you want to retreat to your “safe space”? If unchecked liberalism makes you salty, it’s because the cold world sometimes freezes white tears and turns them into delicately falling snowflakes.
The National Rifle Association’s advocacy of unchecked gun laws pits one of the wealthiest lobbies against wypipo who wear Black Lives Matter T-shirts and think that atones for all of their previous sins. It comes down to whom you trust more: a man who wants an AR-15 and believes that “only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun,” or someone who thinks that a safety pin can stop racism.
Is the home of Sean Hannity, and Trump’s favorite network, worse than the league that’s blackballing Colin Kaepernick? Are they the same? Neither is fair or balanced. Both make millions off turning black bodies into entertainment for white America. Both have employees who abuse women. Most important, anyone who works for either organization usually ends up needing his or her head examined.
Pink pussy hats vs. rebel-flag baseball caps. The people who are unwilling to admit that the Civil War was about slavery, versus the women who want to convince you of their oppression while benefiting from white supremacy. Marching for a Confederate statue or marching for equality that boxes out women of color. The people who proudly voted for Trump versus the people who quietly voted for Trump.
One managed to convince poor wypipo that their health care, communities and country will be better if the government gives tax breaks to corporations and the wealthy. The other tried to convince America that a can of soda can stop police brutality. Now choose.
Nbecki Dikembe Shaka Zulu Motombo Dolezal changed races, and Caitlyn Jenner changed genders but still supports the party of pussy-grabbing, transphobic woman haters. While Jenner might once have been the greatest American athlete, does Jenner’s Republicanism match the way Dolezal contorts herself to try to make you believe her fetishized view of black people? Please don’t forget that Dolezal once referred to herself as “Rachel Luther King.”
Both of these average white women want to fundamentally change the American education system. Betsy DeVos believes in school choice that might lead to the resegregation of American schools. Our dear Abby Fisher went all the way to the Supreme Court to end affirmative action when she was butt-hurt that her grades weren’t good enough to get into the college of her choice. Never mind that white women benefit the most from affirmative action.
Megyn Kelly collected millions while loudly declaring that Santa and Jesus were white, and justified police abuse of a black teenage girl by saying that the girl “was no saint.” Then, after she experienced unfair treatment at Fox News, she collected her millions, moved to NBC and became a feminist icon.
Khloé Kardashian’s curse ruined James Harden’s chance at an NBA championship. She began dating Harden while her then-husband, Lamar Odom, was lying in a crack-and-Viagra coma in Vegas after a threesome with prostitutes. She also “borrows” from black designers without giving them credit.
The cultural-appropriation championship features Kanye West’s baby mama against the white woman who thought she could suddenly become a superstar in black music if she featured Migos and started acting gangsta. Then she thought she could erase all of her actions by making a video with DeRay Mckesson.
The melted marshmallow known as Lena Dunham went on a Twitter rant about Odell Beckham because how dare a black man not recognize her shitty, privileged attitude? Valerie Smith claimed that she was allowed to tell police that black people were standing in front of her house “drinking Hennessy” like a “bunch of niggers” because she was the only white person on her street.
I’m sure Kellyanne Conway did some stuff, too.
But is that worse than the 18-year old who stayed out past her curfew and decided to spread the story that three masked black men kidnapped and raped her?
Kylie and Kendall Jenner, after using black people as props in Pepsi commercials, lip challenges and real life, decided that they were endowed with so much privilege that they could take the images of Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. and use them to line their own pockets.
But is it worse than the beautiful millionaire actress who said that sexism in Hollywood is like racism? It’s up to you.
Make sure you vote in today’s matchups—plus, there are still a few hours to vote in yesterday’s bracket.
Stay tuned to see who will move into the next round later this week, and remember: If there is such a thing as white supremacy, then we need to know who is the most supreme of them all.