15 (Usually) White Pickup Basketball Players We Need to Start Calling the Cops on Too

Illustration for article titled 15 (Usually) White Pickup Basketball Players We Need to Start Calling the Cops on Too
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I’m just saying. If they’re going to call the cops on us for setting hard screens, we can easily return the favor.


1. The hairy guy with no shirt whose back is basically a sheen of sweat and fur.

2. The guy with khaki shorts and a backwards baseball cap on.

3. The hockey/lacrosse/soccer/football player guy who’s athletic but doesn’t really know how to play and just fouls the shit out of everyone and generally just gets in the way.

4. The floor slap guy who thinks he’s Steve Wojciechowski.

5. Steve Wojciechowski, if he ever comes to your park, just on sheer principle.

6. The diving on the floor during a fucking pick up basketball game guy.

7. The too reckless and possibly Australian guy who always finds a way to injure someone (also called the Matthew Dellavedova).

8. The everything is a fucking bounce pass even when a bounce pass is actually inefficient and counterproductive guy.

9. The guy who just won’t fucking shoot (also called the “pump faking even when no one is within 25 feet of him guy”).


10. The jumpshot catfish guy.

(This is a guy who looks like a great shooter, runs off picks during the game like a great shooter, and spots up from deep like a great shooter but never actually makes any shots. To add insult to injury, this guy NEVER MISSES while warming up.)


11. The guy who swears to God that he’s black (also called the Eric Devendorf).

 Eric Devendorf
Eric Devendorf
Photo: Jim McIsaac (Getty Images)

12. The guy who’s one of the rare white guys with hops and does literally nothing but cherry-pick and dunk-hunt the entire game.

13. The guy who believes he’s Pat Riley and is always pleading with his team to “set things up” and “slow it down” and “make the extra pass” while he’s the one getting torched on defense.


14. The guy who’s Jerry fucking West against other white guys but turns into a pumpkin when playing against brothas.

15. The too-intense guy who gets red and screams at and punches himself whenever he does something wrong and maybe should be at a day spa or something instead of playing basketball.


Bonus: The guy who is actually a fucking cop and is ruining the run for no other reason than the fact that everyone knows he’s actually a fucking cop. Cops should only hoop with other cops. Maybe firemen, too.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


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Michael Rappaport.