15 Things the Pandemic Taught Me About Being an Introvert

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Photo: Olivier Douliery (Getty Images)

1. No one gives a shit

2. Seriously

3. No one cares

4. I guess I knew this before the pandemic, actually

5. When all those “How introverted are you?” quizzes infested the internet

6. And every introvert was like “Finally! I’m seen! I’m understood! Finally there’s a word to explain why I hate small talk and saying goodbye at parties and when people ask me harmless questions about things I don’t believe require inquiry. Now, when people are like ‘Oh, he’s an asshole,’ a person who knows me can say ‘Nah. Just an introvert.”

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7. And then everyone who’s not an introvert was like “Ok. I’m happy for you and your Buzzfeed quiz, I guess. Anyway, how was your day today?”

8. And then the introvert was like, “WEREN’T YOU LISTENING? DIDN’T I JUST TELL YOU I HATE SMALL TALK? I’M AN INTJ, MOTHERFUCKER!” But since introverts don’t speak above a whisper, it was spoken in italics instead of caps.

9. But yeah, that no one cares—except for other introverts, who really only feign care out of some hackneyed introvert solidarity—has been known

10. But the year of pandemic-induced social distancing has made that even clearer

11. Like at the beginning of the pandemic, when the introverts were like “Well, a good thing about this is the eradication of small talk.”

12. And the rest of the world was like “My aunt died yesterday.”

13. And the introverts were like “Not having to see people everyday is great!”

14. And everyone else was like “MOTHERFUCKER, GO READ A BOOK AND ‘RECHARGE’ IN A PANTRY AND LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!” Which was deserved, because I think we tend to think of ourselves as these precious little Duracell batteries that need to be nurtured like Mogwais.

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15. When the truth is that we ain’t that special. We just like quizzes.

DISCUSSION

By
Mr Boomman

Introvert gang in the building!

Coworkers: Come have a drink with us.

Me: What happened to Covid? Are we in the clear? Dr. Fauci says what? I’m good.

Them: But you just posted pics of you and your family celebrating your kid’s birthday at some restaurant.

Me: ...a moment of silence with confusion like a child who got caught lying. Plus I didn’t remember adding them to my FB... Alright I’ll have a few drinks.

Also me before I leave is to inform wife to call me in two hours to make up some excuse of why I need to bounce.

I mean it’s not like I don’t like kicking it once in a while. Just don’t call me out the blue. I need prep time for that shit.