Just as there is a difference between mental illness and batshit insanity, there is also a difference between regular madness and white-boy crazy. There are millions of people who suffer from depression, bipolar disorder or dementia. America’s unwillingness to address mental-health issues is an ongoing problem, but that is not what we are here to discuss today.
Donald Trump is going white-boy crazy.
Black people know white-boy crazy. In fact, we named it in 1982 in Great Falls, Wyo., when Chad Galling arrived at school wearing a black trench coat. Instead of making fun of him, Lakeisha Jackson befriended him. Later that semester, after Chad pulled out a crossbow during the second lunch period, Lakeisha was the only one who escaped without an arrow in her booty. People asked Lakeisha how she knew to treat Chad nicely, and she simply responded, “The first time I looked in his eyes, I said to myself: ‘That white boy crazy!’”
“White-boy crazy” is a particular strain of insanity only known to affect the Caucasian male. While other ailments might cause sufferers to inflict pain on others, white-boy crazy manifests itself in a number of peculiar ways that some of the world’s best scientists have not pinpointed.
There are conditions that make certain people violent, but only white-boy crazy makes them dress up like the Joker before going on a movie-theater killing spree. Only white-boy crazy makes someone stuff a toy car up his anus while cameras are rolling, like the Jackass crew. Only white-boy crazy makes someone think, “OK, all the Nazis, neo-Confederates, skinheads and Klansmen will be there, but who’s bringing the tiki torches?”
We are perhaps witnessing the greatest case of white-boy crazy develop in front of our eyes. Even if our Caucasian brethren can’t see it, we are keenly aware that Donald Trump is slowly going off the deep end. We are just wondering what it will take for the rest of the country to acknowledge it.
We made this list last year, so some of the things had to be crossed out because he has already done these things.
10. Start a Nuclear War
Trump is going to wake up one Tuesday morning and just tweet, “Kim Jong Un’s mama is a bitch,” which will set off the nuclear holocaust. If you think he won’t do it, remember that he called NFL players’ mothers “bitches” simply because the players knelt! Trump isn’t scared because I’m sure there’s some presidential nuclear bunker where he can live out his last days fulfilling his incestuous relationship with Ivanka in a hole in the ground.
Plus, nuclear radiation is how he gets his skin that color.
As you’re disintegrating into ashes or foraging for food during the nuclear winter, don’t say I didn’t tell y’all.
9. Put a Racist in Charge of Civil Rights
It would have to be someone really racist. Someone who publicly sympathized with the Ku Klux Klan or told a black man to “watch how he talked to white folks.” Ooooh, you know what would be crazy? If, while getting the racist guy confirmed to the Senate, those people actually came and testified!
No, here’s an even better scenario: Trump appoints someone so racist that someone reads a letter from Coretta Scott King begging the Senate not to confirm the man!
That would be epic!
8. Admit to Sexual Assault
In a recording. And say he did something weird like grab them by their breasts or buttocks. (I was going to say “Grab ’em by the pussy,” but that sounded too ridiculous. I mean, you’d have to be past white-boy crazy to say something like that.)
7. Kill a Pet on TV
If you really want to upset America, do something to an animal. White people will damn near spit in your face for declaring that a black life has worth, but will lock you up for the inhumane treatment of chickens that we were going to eat anyway!
It can’t be a black dog, though. It’s gotta be a fluffy white kitten, and he’s gotta pull off the legs like he’s ripping a Macy’s tag off a dress shirt, with blood and cat pee squirting everywhere. Even then, white people might give him a pass. As he decapitates a calico cat with a rusty saw blade, all he has to say is, “Stop resisting.”
6. Announce That Bans Don’t Work
After issuing executive orders banning Muslims and directives banning Mexicans, and giving speeches about NFL owners banning players from kneeling during the anthem, wouldn’t it be white-boy crazy, batshit insane if he announced that he won’t ban automatic weapons because “bans don’t work”?
Nah, no one would buy that crazy logic.
5. Slap the Shit Out of Mike Pence
Violent people never shy away from a fight, but my extensive studies on crazy white people, gleaned from long sessions of watching evil twins on soap operas with my grandmother, has taught me that batshit insane motherfuckers love to suddenly haul off and slap people.
Trump already treats Mike Pence like a flunky or one of his minions. He ordered Pence to leave an Indiana Colts football game Sunday. (By the way, why have I never had “minions”? Can minions only be evil? Can a nigga get some minions to do shit like go to the dry cleaners and take the clothes out of the dryer? I’ve never heard of a black person with minions, and that’s racist. I want to be the one to break the minion color barrier.)
One day, during a press conference or state dinner, Pence is going to struggle to defend one of Trump’s idiotic positions and Trump is going to open-hand thwap the feces out of him the way Penny’s mama hit her on Good Times, or how Serena pimp-slaps Maria Sharapova around the tennis court every time they meet. (I’m surprised Sharapova hasn’t called the police on Serena. Seriously, someone needs to stop this.)
White people will definitely get upset, if only because black people will be giggling so hard and Urban Dictionary will coin the new phrase, “Pence-slapped.”
4. Publicly Applaud White Supremacists
Or at least refuse to condemn them. White people are always saying, “We’re not racist,” so I’m sure they’d think Trump was losing his marbles. He’d have to do it on TV, though. Like during a press conference or something.
I know I’m reaching for straws (to be fair, I had to include 10 things; I know there’s no way this would happen in real life).
He’s the president, for God’s sake!
3. Commit a Crime; Fire the Man Investigating the Crime
I’m sure the people who always talk about “law and order” would be forced to take a stand against Trump. Especially since they love justice so much. I know it would put Republicans in a tough place, but there’s no way he could fire the head of the FBI while the GOP talks about how much they love law-enforcement officers every day.
They’d look like filthy liars, and Trump would look guilty and crazy as fuck.
2. Say “Black Lives Matter”
I guarantee they’d lock his ass up.
1. Say “Nigger” Out Loud
I keep waiting for this to happen. We came oh, so gloriously close at that Alabama pep rally for racism (I think that was the reason they held that appearance).
I don’t believe that white people will necessarily be furious and call him crazy when it happens; I just can’t wait to see how Republicans twist their logic to defend him. They will say he used it with an “a” at the end, so it doesn’t count. They will claim he was making a point, or that he “misspoke.”
On the other hand, I’m sure the question “Well, y’all use it, why can’t we?” will increase tenfold. When you are asked that question, there is only one correct answer:
Don’t worry; all my real minions got my back.