Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness this young, skeptical-ass boy read Santa Claus to hell and back.
On Sunday, NPR reporter Sarah McCammon posted on Twitter a letter her 6-year-old son wrote for a class assignment. A true “Santa skeptic,” as McCammon described him, the boy spared Kris Kringle not a single damn quarter in his blistering takedown.
Santa Im only doing this for the class. I know your notty list is emty. And your good list is emty. and your life is emty. You don’t know the trouble I’ve had had in my life. Good bye.
Im not telling you my name
I. AM. SCREAMING. Did you hear a door slamming, inexplicably, at the end of this letter, or was that just me?
I honestly can’t name a favorite part of this, but I am a huge fan of the wreaths on one side of the paper, and the fucking skulls on the other. Serve them Christmas cheer on one hand, and “so over it I could actually die” with the other.
And those “troubles” this young boy is referring to? McCammon said on Twitter that he’s referring to his brother.
This may be the cutest, most life-giving, most bereft of fucks 6-year-old to ever exist. I want to bottle his essence and spray it on me every morning before I go to work.
Random co-worker person in the kitchen: Hey Anne, how was your weekend?
Me, channeling a 6-year-old skeptic, sipping a Capri Sun: I know your naughty list is empty, Sarah.
Random co-worker: What? My name is Bec-
Me, drawing skulls on an office napkin: Goodbye.
McCammon posted today, in response to her original tweet, that the “last few days have been insane.”
“Only one other thing I want to say about my little skeptic: he is a wonderful, bright, sweet, happy, compassionate boy who loves his brother and his dog and LOVES holidays,” McCammon wrote. “He just likes adults to level with him.”
Young man, you and me both.