There are a million tales I could tell about the joy, agony and angst of being single. If not a million, then definitely a thousand. OK, hundreds. But today you get this oneโsaid in my bestย Sophia Petrillo-from-The Golden Girls voice.
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Picture this: Washington, D.C. Present day. A young woman is sitting at the bar chatting it up with a young man. Theyโre laughing and talking. ย
โWould you like a drink?โ he asks.
โWhy, yes, thank you,โ she says as she motions the bartender over (because thereโs no telling how long this window will be open). A drink is poured. She sips it. More chatting ensues. And then this happens: The young man says something along the lines of, โDo you want to buy me a drink?โ or, โIt would be nice if you got me a drink.โ
Wait. What?
โI donโt think I want to do that,โ the young woman replies.
But itโs not over. Sheโs now subjected to a diatribe about why women donโt buy men drinks or take men out on dates and how โmen deserve these things, too.โ She feels hoodwinked, bamboozled and led astray. What kind of bait and switch is this? Was this the plan all along? (Meanwhile, sheโs downing that one drink and looking for the nearest exit sign, all while wondering if this is truly life.)
Well, yโall, that young woman is me. This has really happened. More than once. And itโs making me wonder if something about dating has changed that I need to know about, and if the rules of courtship are changing too fast for me to keep upโor even want to.
Is this a trend? Is this the new world order? If so, I wish someone would let me know so I can go reserve some cats and take up knittingโbecause I want no part of this world.
As a grown, independent, stronnggg black woman (insert sarcasm here) who works a job and pays her own bills, I donโt expect any man to buy me a drinkโor, really, anything. Nor do I expect to be charged in liquor for conversation. So I was truly surprised when one of the dudes who went on a โWomen need to buy me drinksโ tirade informed me that women had done this before, at his request.ย
An online guide to โHow to Convince a Girl to Buy You a Drinkโ suggests heโs not alone. And apparently, two full years ago, people were wondering whether this practice represented โthe new normal.โ
So women have been out here setting precedents? Help me understand the reasoning behind this newfangled practice. What happened to wanting to be wooed? Courted? Treated like a lady? Or, if you prefer, an adult who values her money and doesnโt have to compensate men for their attention?
Is this because some urban legend statistics say thereโs one single, available, sometimes-working-a-job, not-even-that-fine-but-at-least-heโs-breathing black man for every 50 single, lonely, desperate black women? Is it because of articles asking, โWhy Is It So Hard for Black Women to Find the Love They Deserve?โ Do women feel like they have to fight, claw and do whatever they need to do to hook a man, as if weโre fighting in the Hunger Games? Oh, no, Iโm sorry, the Thirsty Games?
Iโll be the first to admit: Old school, traditional gender roles are probably playing a role in my reaction. But itโs more than that. I have fundamental problems with any grown person asking another grown person, who is technically still a stranger, to buy him or her something. I donโt ask men to buy me drinks. They just do. I mean, I accept because I am not Beyoncรฉ, and receiving a drink is appealing. Quite appealing. But I would never ask. I know better.
Iโm still trying to get my head around whatโs happened and to figure out if Iโm somehow out of touch for being appalled. (Also, please tell me Iโm not the only woman this has happened to.) But right now, if purchasing alcohol for men is the new game, I donโt want to play. So no, I canโt, wonโt, donโt want to buy you a drink, sir. Thanks so much for the offer, though.
Diana Veiga is a Spelman woman, a writer and a D.C. resident. She loves Paris, cute shoes and sparkly things. Visit her website and follow her on Twitter.
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