Why The World Could Use More Free Nipples

Let me start by saying that I have a hard time remembering the difference between Kylie and Kendall Jenner. Before the youngest spawns of Kris Jenner officially embraced the Kardashian way and jumped the “celebreality” shark, they were like Thing 1 and Thing 2 to me, background players that were indiscernible from one another. Kris’ obsession with starting all her client's, I mean, kid’s names with the letter K didn’t help matters much either. But I’ve gotten much better.

I know that Thing 1 aka Kylie is in a relationship with Chris Brown’s stunt double who sometimes puts out music that people much younger than me might listen to while intoxicated. I think at some point in the past few years she had an allergic reaction to shellfish or something that caused her lips to swell up. That or she got a new face, but I think it was shellfish. It’s always shellfish. Oh, and she has/had beef with a Blac Chinese woman. That’s basically the full extent of my Cliff Notes on Thing 1 aka Kylie.

Now Thing 2 aka Kendall is the one that models. From what I know it’s like real modeling. You know, like pictures that were not taken on a mobile device and don’t only get published on Instagram and websites that tend to embed said images. She might do that too, but Thing 2 aka Kendall actually hits runways and gets published in fashion magazines and stuff. They still make those, right?

Anyway, I generally don’t make a habit of keeping tabs on what Thing 1 or Thing 2 do or say, but that changed when I kept seeing Thing 2’s name pop up in my newsfeed with headlines like “Kendall Jenner Says ‘I’m Cool With My Breasts’ On Decision to Go Braless.” That’s when I said to myself, “Hey, Self, we’re cool with breasts too, right? Yeah, I thought so. This sounds right up our alley so let’s go ahead and read up about some cool breasts.”

Long story short, it turns out that Thing 2 wrote something called “Free the Nipple!” on her website/app. I don’t know why she has a website/app but I guess it’s a thing. Whatever the reason I still refuse to subscribe to the darn thing just so I can read what she wrote. Seven-day free trial be damned. But there’s a way around her pesky pay wall called Google, and according to People, Thing 2 said:

“I really don’t see what the big deal is with going braless. I think it’s cool and I really just don’t care! It’s sexy, it’s comfortable and I’m cool with my breasts. That’s it! … It’s also a fun way to show off my different nipple rings. [Jewelry designer] Jacquie Aiche made me a couple of pieces that are really sick, like a pair of angel wings.”

Aww, angel wings. That sounds precious, but I digress…

I don’t see what the big deal is either. If Rick Ross can walk around braless; why can’t Thing 2? I mean, it’s only fair. If we all have to suffer through seeing PDAMB (public displays of awkward man boobs) the payoff should be the opportunity of seeing a better boob. If Kendall wants to be this generation’s Ms. Jackson (because she’s nasty), then who are we to stop her? If she’s cool with her breasts, goddammit I’m cool with them, too.

When it comes to the whole idea about not wearing a bra in public, I really don’t see what the big fuss is. As long as releasing the Kraken from the confines of your bra doesn’t put any young children in harm’s way when they swing low sweet chariot I say go for it.

That is unless, of course, we’re related. Then all bets are off.

I’d prefer that anyone I share a gene pool with or who married into my family not partake in Kendall’s free nip movement. Yes, it’s contradictory, but that’s my prerogative. Word to Bobby Brown. Pookie n’em might wanna see my eighteenth cousin on my great uncle’s stepdaughter’s side free the nipple but not me. That’s why I’m strictly down with O.P.B. (other people’s breasts).

As a happily married man, I’ve committed myself to having direct contact with only one pair for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t go window-shopping on occasion just to see what new models are on the market. With Kendall talking about angel wings and whatnot it sounds like Victoria has been keeping some secrets that I need to look into. That or I totally misinterpreted what Beyoncé meant when she said, “If you liked then you should’ve put a ring on it.”

Either way a free nipple ain’t never hurt nobody. If you like it, I love it.

Anslem Samuel Rocque is a Brooklyn-based writer who previously ran the popular relationship site, Naked With Socks On. He's currently wearing way more clothes while working on his debut novel.