Let me start by saying that I have a hard time remembering the difference between Kylie and Kendall Jenner. Before the youngest spawns of Kris Jenner officially embraced the Kardashian way and jumped the βcelebrealityβ shark, they were like Thing 1 and Thing 2 to me, background players that were indiscernible from one another. Krisβ obsession with starting all her client's, I mean, kidβs names with the letter K didnβt help matters much either. But Iβve gotten much better.
I know that Thing 1 aka Kylie is in a relationship with Chris Brownβs stunt double who sometimes puts out music that people much younger than me might listen to while intoxicated. I think at some point in the past few years she had an allergic reaction to shellfish or something that caused her lips to swell up. That or she got a new face, but I think it was shellfish. Itβs always shellfish. Oh, and she has/had beef with a Blac Chinese woman. Thatβs basically the full extent of my Cliff Notes on Thing 1 aka Kylie.
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Now Thing 2 aka Kendall is the one that models. From what I know itβs like real modeling. You know, like pictures that were not taken on a mobile device and donβt only get published on Instagram and websites that tend to embed said images. She might do that too, but Thing 2 aka Kendall actually hits runways and gets published in fashion magazines and stuff. They still make those, right?
Anyway, I generally donβt make a habit of keeping tabs on what Thing 1 or Thing 2 do or say, but that changed when I kept seeing Thing 2βs name pop up in my newsfeed with headlines like βKendall Jenner Says βIβm Cool With My Breastsβ On Decision to Go Braless.β Thatβs when I said to myself, βHey, Self, weβre cool with breasts too, right? Yeah, I thought so. This sounds right up our alley so letβs go ahead and read up about some cool breasts.β
Long story short, it turns out that Thing 2 wrote something called βFree the Nipple!β on her website/app. I donβt know why she has a website/app but I guess itβs a thing. Whatever the reason I still refuse to subscribe to the darn thing just so I can read what she wrote. Seven-day free trial be damned. But thereβs a way around her pesky pay wall called Google, and according to People, Thing 2 said:
βI really donβt see what the big deal is with going braless. I think itβs cool and I really just donβt care! Itβs sexy, itβs comfortable and Iβm cool with my breasts. Thatβs it! β¦ Itβs also a fun way to show off my different nipple rings. [Jewelry designer] Jacquie Aiche made me a couple of pieces that are really sick, like a pair of angel wings.β
Aww, angel wings. That sounds precious, but I digressβ¦
I donβt see what the big deal is either. If Rick Ross can walk around braless; why canβt Thing 2? I mean, itβs only fair. If we all have to suffer through seeing PDAMB (public displays of awkward man boobs) the payoff should be the opportunity of seeing a better boob. If Kendall wants to be this generationβs Ms. Jackson (because sheβs nasty), then who are we to stop her? If sheβs cool with her breasts, goddammit Iβm cool with them, too.
When it comes to the whole idea about not wearing a bra in public, I really donβt see what the big fuss is. As long as releasing the Kraken from the confines of your bra doesnβt put any young children in harmβs way when they swing low sweet chariot I say go for it.
That is unless, of course, weβre related. Then all bets are off.
Iβd prefer that anyone I share a gene pool with or who married into my family not partake in Kendallβs free nip movement. Yes, itβs contradictory, but thatβs my prerogative. Word to Bobby Brown. Pookie nβem might wanna see my eighteenth cousin on my great uncleβs stepdaughterβs side free the nipple but not me. Thatβs why Iβm strictly down with O.P.B. (other peopleβs breasts).
As a happily married man, Iβve committed myself to having direct contact with only one pair for the rest of my life, but that doesnβt mean I donβt go window-shopping on occasion just to see what new models are on the market. With Kendall talking about angel wings and whatnot it sounds like Victoria has been keeping some secrets that I need to look into. That or I totally misinterpreted what BeyoncΓ© meant when she said, βIf you liked then you shouldβve put a ring on it.β
Either way a free nipple ainβt never hurt nobody. If you like it, I love it.
Anslem Samuel Rocque is a Brooklyn-based writer who previously ran the popular relationship site, Naked With Socks On. He's currently wearing way more clothes while working on his debut novel.
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