Why Is Fried Chicken Fashion a Thing? KFC Makes Its Bid for Pop-Cultural Relevance With…a Croc?

Just when we thought Crocs had cemented their reputation as the ugliest (but supposedly most comfortable) footwear, the fried chicken industry’s oldest (but least delectable—fight me) fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken has told us to hold its beer because these two beloved staples of middle-America (again, fight me; I live there) have joined forces to create a—you guessed it—KFC Croc.

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Yep, that’s right. Clearly not content with trying to rebrand Colonel Sanders as a sex symbol (though he will never not evoke images of plantations, to me), KFC is now putting its proprietary 11 herbs-and-spices onto a friggin’ Croc of all things...though why one would want their food associated with a rubberized shoe is beyond me. (But if for whatever reason, you’re wondering, those platform joints pictured above are custom, and not available for purchase—and no, we don’t know why Paper magazine is endorsing this fuckery, either.)

We know Crocs often boast embellishments (apparently, those holes aren’t just for ventilation), but we’ve yet to verify whether those drums are just resting or actually come as adornment (and yes, drums over flats...but not these drums, ever. #SorryNotSorry). What we do know is these Crocs will likely turn you into a 5-piece if you stare at them too long, so...please don’t.

If you think we’re being unfair, we hear you, but hear us out: We admittedly chuckled when the famed Popeyes chicken sandwich made it onto an ugly Christmas sweater. We subsequently cocked an eyebrow when the same brand tried to knock off Beyoncé’s Ivy Park x Adidas launch. But really? This feels a #Chickening too far....because this is a fashion choice that may actually assault others. (We’re already having horrifying visions of nurses interacting with patients while wearing these; it’s like an ep of Grey’s Anatomy where the symptoms go undiagnosed.)

If you love KFC like this, go ahead with your bad self (we guess). But if you care a whit about humanity, we urge you: PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE FRIED CHICKEN FASHION A THING!