Why Do Some of You Suck So Much at Parking?

Every day I get reminders about the inadequacies of public driving instruction in this country. It never fails. I’ll come home, preparing to park my behemoth Suburban along my street—I have on-street parking—and some individual for whom parking in a neighborly way is more inconvenient than economical will put a tiny-ass car smack in the middle of a space that could fit two medium-sized vehicles or a large SUV (hi, Rihanna!) and a small car. I go off to find a spot suited to my needs that provides me ample time to walk toward my home, wishing a pox on the offender’s tires and thanking the Lord that I didn’t go shopping and have no bananas to place inside tailpipes.

But sometimes I’m not pissed; sometimes I’m at a loss for words. I’m often confused at who raised some of you animals who aggressively reject parking signs and view them as suggestions rather than legally binding covenants between you and that ticket you’re about to procure.

In my petty, I’ve checked some of you folks’ ticket counts and fees. In Washington, D.C., you can pull up anybody’s tickets with their license plate number. Yeah, baby, some of you folks owe a lot of money to the District of Columbia for parking or photo-enforcement violations. No wonder our nation’s capital has a surplus.

I just don’t get it. I once spied with my own two eyes a person who was clearly not intending to stop through a neighbor’s house for very long. They decided that finding a place to park was too much work, so they drove onto and parked on the sidewalk. The sidewalk. The actual space that people use to avoid walking in the street. Car turned off, at complete rest, chillin’. I hate tickets, but I wanted to ticket that individual.

I watched somebody once attempt to argue down a parking-enforcement officer that they were being unreasonably ticketed—true story—for having parked in front of a fire hydrant for THREE HOURS. Their argument—and yes, I stayed to listen with others—was that no emergency occurred, so the officer was being unnecessarily vigilant.

And don’t get me started on people who double-park as a rule, recognize it, say “whatevs” and go on about their lives, taking up two spaces for one car. That is not what God intended. Why is it so difficult to place one car in one space? Why?

Is it human nature?

I hate parking as much as the next person. I live in a city where the parking situation must be factored into how I’m going to get someplace or if I’m even going somewhere. Ride-sharing is a thing in D.C. for that reason.

Finding a space in certain parts of the city can be harder than finding a pair of OG Silver Bullet Air Max 97s for under $250. But when I do venture out into the rat race and plod my cool-dad SUV through the streets in search of a resting place for any amount of time, I make sure to be considerate of the space I’m occupying so I don’t force another person to hit my car or leave a nasty note, and so that I avoid losing money to parking enforcement that I could spend on other things, like clearance items at Target.

How come that isn’t common sense? To be fair, how you choose to spend your money is really on you. While I’m wondering why so many people are so happy to keep municipalities afloat, I guess somebody has to do it. But then arguing the point like you’re in the right while parked in the wrong seems to miss the point as well. I guess I never viewed parking signs as suggestions, and I treat the confusing ones like they can tell I’m black—I just go elsewhere because I know the benefit of the doubt never swings my way, shawty.

But you people who make parking difficult for other people? Oh, I rue the day you got your license. We all have to share the earth; why is that such a chore? I’ve literally had a person screw up a parking space and ACTIVELY yell at another person for littering—they missed the trash can but did pick up the gum wrapper and place it inside. Mad at a person doing their civic duty but out here eliminating a whole-ass parking spot in the middle of downtown D.C.—I see you, boo.

I just don’t get it.

Why do some of you suck sooooooo much at parking?