Whitest Man on Earth Performs 'WAP' Despite Hating WAP

Illustration for article titled Whitest Man on Earth Performs 'WAP' Despite Hating WAP
Screenshot: Twitter:Ben Shapiro
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I was today years old when I discovered that Tucker Carlson is not Ben Shapiro’s father.


All this time I had been assuming Tucker had impregnated Laura Ingraham (or perhaps Marge Schott) during a passionate, lust-inspiring moment like a Ronald Reagan speech or a recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” You know—something raunchy.

If you don’t know who Ben Shapiro is, first you should immediately thank God, Morgan Freeman or whichever divine being you serve. Now, as for Ben Shapiro, imagine if a discarded Dasani water bottle had a baby with the Koch Brothers (Conservatives like threesomes, too!), who gave the baby up for adoption to Joe Rogan, who hired Tomi Lahren as the baby’s nanny.

Shapiro touts himself as a babyface conservative libertarian, which essentially means he is a Republican, but he doesn’t like to wear ties. He is also Jewish, which, according to people in my inbox, means he can’t be a white supremacist even though he is white and believes that the western civilization is superior; being transgender is a mental illness; Black people are prone to violence and that he’s perfectly fine with killing innocent Muslims.

Shapiro is the Archie Bunker of Alex P. Keatons. His schtick is that traditional (people in Mississippi pronounce it as “why-itt”) moral values are important and, therefore, feminists, progressives and Black people who are not Terry Crews will eventually lead to the decline of American exceptionalism. As a leading pseudo-intellectual, he hammers home his beliefs with faulty logic and bullshit facts that his lowbrow audience eats up instead of reading books.

He’s basically a white Dr. Umar Johnson.

But on Monday, Shapiro found a new target: Kittens who have been left out in the rain (That’s what Cardi B’s duet with Megan Thee Stallion is about, right?).


For some reason, Shapiro has no problem with white people music that promotes sex culture. For instance, there’s a song by conservative icon Ted Nugent that is literally titled “Jailbait.” There’s that romantic ditty called “Fuck and Run,” where Liz Phair talks about a 12-year-old having sex. Or how about that hit Madonna wrote called (insert the name of any Madonna song here)?

But none of those songs bothered babyfaced Ben like Cardi B’s song that warns pet owners not to leave their cats out when it’s storming (Again, I’m sure that’s the premise of the song). And to prove his distaste for the negro Jezebels, Ben decided to give an impromptu performance of the hip-hip classic about bathing felines.


It might interest you to know that Shapiro claims he never had sex until he was married at 28 years old.


Due to his lack of experience with black people, cats or self-lubricating sexual organs, I’m sure Ben had to go on Urban Dictionary to find out what the lyrics meant:


Also, I love the fact that Shapiro’s wife was like:

“Nah, baby, there’s no such thing as a wet-ass pussy. As a doctor, let me assure you that it’s supposed to be dry like that, baby. Yep, every time. It’s a medical fact. Don’t worry sweetie, you’re not doing anything wrong.”

Illustration for article titled Whitest Man on Earth Performs 'WAP' Despite Hating WAP
Screenshot: Twitter

Poor Ben Shapiro.

Not only has he been cursed with a “weak-ass pullout game” and a lifetime of dehydrated vajayjays, but he will never enjoy the awesome pleasure of frolicking with a freshly showered kitten. (That’s what the song is about, dummy.)


I bet he sees those sheathens mocking him with their satanic jiggling badonkadonks every time he closes his eyes. It’s un-American, really.

Everyone knows this is what’s ruining the country. Not income inequality, the unjust criminal justice system, education disparities or police shooting Black people in the face. If this great empire falls, it will be brought to its knees by orgasms and the belief in the conspiracy theory about the existence of the mythical “clitoris.” (I put it in quotation marks because Ben Shapiro’s wife told him there’s no such thing.)


Ben Shapiro hates Black women.

To be fair, if we truly loved Black women, we would aspire to have sex the way God intended. Apparently, Shapiro believes we should only have sex like Thomas Jefferson and the other Founding Fathers did.


Oh wait, they raped their Black women.

I’m sure Ben Shapiro has that song on his playlist.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.



He might as well have called it Weak Ass Pundit with the self-ownage he inflicted on himself.

Diagnosis: micro dick.