Whitest Cookout Ever: Woman Suspected of Killing Lover, Serving His Remains at Barbecue

Kelly Cochran and Christopher Regan
Kelly Cochran and Christopher Regan
Photo: Lake County Sheriff’s Department (Discovery ID)

Authorities believe the reason they can’t find the remains of one of the victims of an Indiana woman serving time for two murders is that she may have served his remains to her neighbors at a neighborhood barbecue.


That’s why I don’t eat chicken nuggets. The menu always says they are made from white meat, but they never say which part. I stick to wings. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go to a white person’s cookout and eat some grilled Gregory.

Also, I don’t go to white people’s cookouts.

Anyway, this all started when Kelly and Jason Cochran sealed their marriage by promising that if they ever had an affair, they would kill whomever they cheated with. “I thought it was a joke,” Kelly said in her trial, according to the Chicago Tribune. Obviously, it wasn’t.

When the couple entered an abusive patch in their marriage, Kelly began having sex with other men. When her husband found out, he reminded Kelly of their pact. So Kelly lured one of her lovers, a co-worker named Christopher Regan, to their home in Hobart, Mich., for sex.

That’s where 37-year-old Jason entered the room and shot Regan. Then Kelly got the cord for the electric chainsaw so they could cut up Regan’s body, put it in garbage bags and dispose of it.

Things would soon turn sad for Kelly when her “soul mate” husband died of a heart attack. No one thought anything of it, especially because police were consumed with this missing Christopher Regan dude. Soon, though, the detectives zeroed in on Kelly and found her guilty of murder, sentencing her to life in prison.

That’s when police also noticed inconsistencies in Kelly’s story about her husband’s death. He supposedly died of a heart attack, but it seemed very fishy. Kelly eventually confessed to injecting her husband with heroin and then smothering him to death in their home. Cochran said she was pretty upset after she and Jason dismembered Regan’s body and buried it in the woods.


Well ... most of it.

It turns out that Kelly was very thrifty. Instead of letting all that good, fresh meat go to waste, investigators discovered that Kelly allegedly served parts of Regan to her neighbors at a neighborhood barbecue. At least a few of the neighbors suspect that they may have consumed human flesh.


Now, the reason I say “allegedly” and “may have” is not that Kelly’s neighbors may have been confused by seasoned meat and thought it tasted funny. It’s because police now suspect Kelly in at least nine other murders, according to the Indianapolis Star.

The story of Cochran and the woman who investigated her case will premiere on Discovery ID on May 28.

Kelly Cochran, 34, is now serving a life sentence for Regan’s murder and a 65-year sentence for killing her husband, Jason. Until then she will ... hold up. Are you sure she’s 34 years old?


Damn, eating human flesh really makes you age fast. But then again, you know what they say:

Black don’t crack ...

But white will kill.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


GinAndTonic, Potential Grizzly

That mugshot, though. I’d like to know what the fuck was running through her mind that made her make that face. Also, she’s a year younger than me but looks at least ten years older. That ain’t the face of a 34 year old, unless she’s also on the Sarah Suckabee skincare regimen.