Update: Thursday, Aug. 2, 5:32 p.m. EDT: This story has been updated with an attribution to Fox 9.
A white woman found herself participating in the time-honored ritual known as the “catching of hands” when she decided to boldly go where few Beckysapiens have dared to go before by publicly disrespecting an angry black woman.
It all began when a white woman, who closely resembles a gallon jug of whole milk, decided to wander into a Black Lives Matter demonstration as crowds gathered to protest the shooting of Thurman Blevins, a black man who was shot and killed while running away from police.
The white woman tried to walk through the protesters because ... well, that’s kinda what white people do. Genetic biologists have theorized that melanin deficiency also comes with a lack of the “step aside” gene common in most other human beings. But the Amber-American likely had no idea that this particular crowd was composed of people who had an abundance of the “not today” gene.
So when the Dusty Rhodes-looking woman decided to snatch the sign of a random black woman protester, the obviously community-minded black woman decided to take the opportunity and address hunger in the white community by promptly delivering a two-piece fist sandwich directly to Sally Sign-Snatcher’s mouth.
The white woman’s thin lips proved to be an inadequate cushion for absorbing the barrage unleashed on her. She immediately turned and ran to the nearest police officer wailing, “I just want to go home,” according to Fox9, seemingly unaware that she was precariously close to being rocked to sleep by one more chin punch.
“I didn’t do anything!” said the female Kevin James, as the cop consoled her.
While many will hail this Queen dropper of Ds, Thrower of Hands, First of Her Fists, Khaleesi of Kick-ass, Mother of Draggings, I would like to take the time to point out the true heroes in this incident:
This woman, who held back the black woman’s cohorts from throwing even more hands to Patricia Pulpface:
I can tell from the way she’s holding that woman back, she’s either an undercover member of Doral Milaje or the one usher at every black church who shields the audience from the wild Holy Ghost shouter.
And this guy, who, although this is only a photograph, is probably saying “Oh shit!”
And last but not least, there is this woman, clearly concerned that Susie Step-aside was not keeping that same energy from when she decided to rip a sign from a black woman who wasn’t bothering anyone:
As of this date, the white woman has not been identified, although some suspect that she may be home writing thank you notes to the woman who so kindly took the time to donate free dental work at a police protest. If there is indeed a tooth fairy, Rebecca’s bicuspids can be found in front of the downtown Minneapolis Starbucks. She will be expecting her money.
The black woman who so generously offered up her hands to be caught by Crying Karen has also not been identified but she is rumored to have signed a 2-fight deal with Mayweather Promotions.