One of the cardinal sins of adulthood is embarrassing your kids—especially if they’re teenagers.
As an unruly adolescent myself in a past life, I have vivid memories of my mother calling me “Cooch” in front of my friends, or my Dad’s bizarre obsession with 2Pac’s “How Do U Want It” (“That song is bad!” he would exclaim, while dry humping the air).
This is peak caucacity.
This is well beyond coed softball games or spoonfuls of gluten-free cottage cheese.
Imagine you’re a Toledo, Ohio, high schooler on the brink of taking some of the most important tests of your academic life—a series of tests required for you to graduate high school.
So you go to bed early to get your mind right, then after smashing breakfast, you stumble upon this motley crew of mayosapiens delivering their best Michael Eric Dyson impression.
“Good morning, TPS students!” WTOL’s Melissa Andrews begins. “It is testing week and it’s time to slay all day.”
“YEEEEET!” her co-anchor, Tim Miller, interjects. “Stay woke, be on fleek, get that Gucci breakfast.”
“GOOOOALS!” an exuberant Andrews continues. “Say ‘Bye, Felicia’ to that testing stress.”
“Ummm, yeah, fuck this test,” you mutter, before removing your Vans and hurling them at the TV.
But if this parade of fuckery wasn’t revolting enough, it reaches its crescendo when they trot out newscaster Steven Jackson—better known as your friendly neighborhood
traffic anchor token negro.
“OKURRRRR!” he belts out mid-shuck and jive, butchering Cardi B’s signature catchphrase. “We’re talking turnt! FOMO won’t be an issue.”
While his wife was unavailable for comment on this story, his couch confirmed that Jackson had been exiled from the bedroom.
“I mean, did you watch that shit?” his couch said in disgust. “Yeah, that nigga gon’ be sleeping on me until the next D’Angelo album.”
Toledo locals also had plenty to say about The Little Newscast That Couldn’t:
“I can’t believe this is my news station,” tweeted @G0NEGIRLL. “I cannot believe this is real.”
Unfortunately, I can. Because one of America’s favorite pastimes is making a mockery of the same means of expression that black people are killed and admonished for.