Photo: iStock

Having found nothing left to colonize on land, sea or the celestial bodies that orbit the planet on which he lives, a Washington man is making a valiant effort to colonize blackness itself.

But not be black because... eeewwww!

Ralph Taylor, a 55-year-old earthling of the Caucasian variety, owns Orion Insurance Group, LLC, a Lynwood, Wash., company that provides insurance to government contractors, among other things. Aside from existing as a boilerplate example of generic mediocrity, Taylor has lived his entire life as a white man. In his spare time, he enjoys privileges such as looking nonthreatening to police, being considered the default definition of an American, and cutting his food-prep time in half because his chicken doesn’t require seasoning.

But, according to the Seattle Times, instead of participating in traditional activities in the white community, such as burning Nikes, standing for the anthem and wondering why no one talks about black-on-black crime, Taylor instead filed a lawsuit against the state of Washington and the federal government claiming he was being discriminated against in what may be the first case of reverse, reverse racism. (After checking with experts, The Root has determined that, although two right turns equal a left turn, two reverse racisms don’t equal a regular racism, which is kinda racist.)

Taylor’s beef is that he was denied a minority-business certification under a state program that helps “small, minority and women-owned businesses” obtain government contracts and procurement. Taylor alleges that the government denied his claim to be certified as a minority-owned business based solely on what he feels is an inconsequential fact:

He is not a minority.

Well... not by the standard definition.

Back in 2010, years before America started becoming great again, Taylor took a home ancestry DNA test. When he received the results from a local company—Genelex of Seattle—the results revealed that Taylor was 90 percent white, 6 percent indigenous American, and 4 percent sub-Saharan African, which according to Taylor’s interpretation of the results, basically meant he was a now member of the Wu-Tang Clan and could use the n-word without consequence whenever he pleased.

Advertisement

Despite the scientific consensus that these trendy DNA tests are unreliable at best and a total scam at worst, Taylor, like others, believed it even though there is no scientific basis for categorizing race or even ethnicity, according to National Geographic.

None of the methods used by DNA companies has been verified by independent scientists. The DNA results are actually proprietary best guesses based on comparing certain genetic markers to “reference populations”—basically a database of previous clients. But most DNA companies’ clients are white and genetic biologists know that Africa has more genetic variations than all the other continents on earth combined. Because of this, researchers say that anyone under 30 who is not white probably won’t get the “most thorough” test results.

In studies comparing the kits, Science News reports evidence shows the results of DNA test kits can vary widely between companies. Even siblings or twins can receive radically different results depending on the tester, National Geographic reports. A CBC investigation earlier this year showed a DNA testing company informing a customer that he was 20 percent Native American. There was only one problem:

The saliva came from a dog.

But after discovering that he was genetically predisposed to dancing whenever anyone played Frankie Beverly & Maze’s “Before I Let Go,” Taylor applied for minority status with the Washington Office of Minority and Women’s Business Enterprises, hoping he could get more transportation contracts. Because he wasn’t “visibly identifiable” as anything other than white, Taylor also submitted his DNA results with his application.

Advertisement

Taylor’s application was initially denied by the state, but eventually he was approved, even though he hasn’t provided a single shred of evidence that he has been socially or economically disadvantaged because of his race.

But that wasn’t enough for Taylor. What was presumably the white part of Taylor’s heritage decided it wanted more territory. So Taylor applied for federal minority status. When his application to the cookout was rejected, Taylor’s attorney challenged the decision by—and this is not a joke—explaining that he subscribes to Ebony and joined the NAACP. He also cited the “one drop rule,” a centuries-old method used to disenfranchise anyone who had a drop of non-white blood.*

*Note: The arbitrarily applied “one drop rule” does not apply to parties, places of employment, neighborhoods, schools or America in general.

Advertisement

In 2014, using what Taylor considers inconsequential evidence like his birth certificate, identification - and his face - the federal Disadvantaged Business Enterprise denied Taylor’s certification on the basis that he didn’t prove by a preponderance of the evidence that he was a minority.

“It is nonsensical for Mr. Taylor to claim that he has encountered social and economic disadvantage due to a heritage he was not aware of until the DNA test conducted in 2010,” said one government employee in an email, according to the Seattle Times.

So, summoning the spirits of nine-tenths of his ancestors, Ralph Taylor decided to sue the federal government. The first judge must have seen Taylor’s DNA test because the U.S. District Court of Western Washington dismissed the case as if Taylor was a black man who was shot by the police.

Advertisement

Now Taylor is appealing to the U.S. Court of Appeals, where oral arguments will be heard later this year. To prepare, Taylor had his birth certificate changed to reflect that he is black, Native American and Caucasian.

But the 23andMe Rachel Dolezal will keep on pushing for justice because that is what’s in .10 of his blood. The Harriet Tubman of transportation insurance will continue to follow the drinking gourd to his payday.

And just like his 238rd cousin Martin Luther King Jr. once said, Ralph Taylor also has a dream that one day we will live in a nation where we will not be judged by the color of our skin, but by the content of our online DNA test results.

Advertisement

And when this happens, when white men have colonized every village and every hamlet, gentrified every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Wu-Tang spiritual:

“Privilege rules everything around me, Wypipo get the money...”

Dollar, dollar bill, y’all.