White House Sources Say Trump Is Turning on All of His People—Including His Own Vice President

Illustration for article titled White House Sources Say Trump Is Turning on All of His People—Including His Own Vice President
Photo: Doug Mills-Pool (Getty Images)

Apparently, the worst place to work right in America now is the White House.

In his final days in office, y’all’s soon-to-be-ousted president is reportedly losing all of his friends faster than Game of Thrones characters who made it to the final season. Basically, President-reject Donald Trump is solidifying his reputation as a senior citizen who also happens to be a toddler by crying his orange-scented Lysol disinfectant tears (which he will likely try injecting if he catches COVID again) all over the Oval Office and lashing out at anyone who isn’t 100 percent on board with his fight against his own imagination.


Several top officials spoke anonymously when telling Axios about Trump’s constant meltdowns and how anyone around him can get it—or at least anyone who isn’t willing to die on the rapidly sinking widespread voter fraud hill. (“Rapidly sinking” is actually being extremely generous. That hill sank so long ago it’s currently sitting on top of Titanic remains.)

According to Axios, targets of Trump’s outrage include chief of staff Mark Meadows, White House counsel Pat Cipollone, Secretary of State Pompeo, and even his own vice president and human flytrap, Mike Pence. One source said that a Lincoln Project ad that claimed Pence is “backing away” from Trump was enough to have the commander-in-paranoid-delusions feeling betrayed by his VP. He’s now reportedly deathly afraid that on Jan. 6, Pence is going to...well...do his job and validate the election results.

Sources said that Trump wants to “use the Department of Homeland Security or the military to impound voting machines,” and he’s confounded by the fact that some of the people around him think that dumb-ass shit is some dumb-ass shit. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, which, despite climate change, is not sinking nearly as fast as the voter fraud hill.

From Axios:

A new fixation: Trump has even been asking advisers whether they can get state legislatures to rescind their electoral votes. When he’s told no, he lashes out even more, said a source who discussed the matter with the president.

And in an Oval meeting Monday night, Trump spoke with House Republicans about voting to overturn the result on Jan. 6 — a desperate vote that even Trump has privately acknowledged he’s bound to lose.

Then, of course, there’s Senate Majority Leader—and skinny Jabba the Hutt—Mitch McConnell, who has been on Trump’s shit list ever since he acknowledged Joe Biden as the winner of the presidential race. Axios reports that Trump sent a whole slide presentation to Republican legislators disparaging McConnell, calling him the “the first one off the ship” and taking credit for his re-election. (Oh, what to do about all of this old-white-fart-on-old-white-fart-crime?)

According to the Washington Post, Trump has been dealing with being surrounded by hoes who ain’t loyal by putting together a crew of ragtag conspiracy theorists and other enablers who will back him in his futile efforts to evade reality.


From the Post:

The president’s orbit has grown more extreme as his more mainstream allies, including Attorney General William P. Barr, have declined to endorse his increasingly radical plans to overturn the will of the voters. Trump’s unofficial election advisory council now includes a pardoned felon, adherents of the QAnon conspiracy theory, a White House trade adviser and a Russian agent’s former lover.


I’m sorry, but what kind of bootleg Italian Job shit is this?

What kind of discount Ocean’s Eleven shit is George Looney trying to pull here?

Seriously though, as amusing as it has been to watch Trump continue to be the loser who keeps on losing, it’s long past time to end this circus and welcome the incoming administration. It’s time all of the people around Trump stop feeding his delusions because at this point, this shit is beyond dumb, sad and downright embarrassing.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons


Murry Chang

Man if only he had worked this hard at actually Presidenting for the last 4 years!