White House Chief of Staff John Kelly Will Reportedly Resign, Signaling the Series Finale of America

Illustration for article titled White House Chief of Staff John Kelly Will Reportedly Resign, Signaling the Series Finale of America
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Raise your hand if you didn’t see this one coming.

An actual real-life and respected Marine Corp general lasted longer than many expected in one of the most dysfunctional White House administrations since President Francis Underwood.


According to CNN, the relationship between White House chief of staff John Kelly and the president has grown so icy that they don’t even talk to each other. Most likely this means that the president has stopped talking to Kelly because that’s mad petty and most likely something the president would do, and Kelly is all, “If he isn’t speaking to me then I’m not speaking to him!”

So after seventeen months, the odd couple is calling it quits with Kelly expected to resign in coming days, making him the 11,435th person who has been unable to work with this Ziploc freezer bag full of pig vomit.

CNN notes that the president is actively looking for a replacement which includes Mike Pence’s chief of staff Nick Ayers because he clicks his heels, salutes the president and says “Yes, Mëin Fürher” with a really authentic German accent that makes the president giggle.

According to several reports over recent months, Kelly has been on the way out for some time. Shortly after the president took office, the former Marine general was hired to bring order to an already chaotic White House. He’s responsible for several firings of major White House staff including the epic takedown of the president’s personal pillow fluffer Omarosa Manigault Newman Jackson Johnson Ferguson Winthrop.

Somehow Kelly and Trump managed to find the right footing to continue on working together but aides told CNN that this relationship is done. Trump knows that once January rolls around and the Democrats take over the House, he will be held accountable for all of the shit he was able to slide with when Congress was Republican. President Gargamel is reportedly looking for someone who can help craft his last two years in office with a political focus that he feels Kelly doesn’t have.

It is said that Kelly can’t wait to get the fuck out of the White House because he’s not used to caring for an adult baby and didn’t know that his job would include bring warm milk to the president’s private coffin chambers and reading Peek-a-Poo What’s in your Diaper? 115 times a day.


Kelly’s departure leaves many people conflicted. While he is the person who lied on Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fla.) and called Confederate General Robert E. Lee “an honorable man,” he also probably hid the nuclear football from Trump when the President wanted to start a war with North Korea because he couldn’t find anything good on TV.

So, the good news is that Kelly is a free man but the bad news is, we’re probably all going to die.


It’s been fun.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.



“ The Series Finale of America “ took me straight out