According to the global white agenda, every year, white people pick one slogan on which they will focus their undivided attention. While they are certainly capable of multitasking their oppression, they like to devote their energy to specific marketing campaigns. In 2016 the “alt-right’s” “Make America great again” motto overtook 2015’s “All Lives Matter” as the catchphrase of the year. Last year’s “It’s OK to be white” was laughable but effective at calling out the reverse racism that caused the oppression of American Anal-Saxons.
At this most recent International Caucasian Conclave, after a main course of carbon-dioxide-seasoned chicken breasts, the executive committee of white people decided that they needed a one-word rallying cry that would honor their ancestors while still moving their white supremacist agenda forward. Thusly, the wypipo motto for 2018 is:
While most mainstream (pronounced “whyte”) media outlets have recently discovered this tendency among weak-skinned warriors, white people have always done this. Living in a country founded on the hierarchical premise of capitalism comes with the privilege of having a dedicated system of laws and enforcers intent on protecting the property, lives and feelings of one class over another.
From the fugitive slave catchers of the past to the big-mad white people who insisted that Sheriff Joe Arpaio investigate President Barack Obama’s country of origin (yep, they literally called the cops on a birth certificate), one thing has always been true:
White people love calling the police.
As a black person, I see white people calling the police to do shit I had no idea cops were responsible for doing. Aside from making sure we park correctly, catching nonwhite criminals and shooting black people in the face, apparently police officers are also empowered to act as resident assistants at Yale, cookout advisers and ushers at Starbucks.
Until we can enact legislation against white people who call the cops for no reason (Twitter user @statsJan suggests that we call it “white caller crime”), we would like to count down five of the worst police calls in history to show how white people have always had a predilection for calling the cops.
5. Stealing From Walmart Can Get You Killed
In December 2013, a diligent Walmart employee informed an off-duty police officer that he noticed a group of black women stuffing merchandise into their purses. One of the women, Shelly Frey, ran out of the store and hopped into her car. As she tried to get away, Louis Campbell, a 26-year veteran of the Houston Police Department, shot the 27-year-old mother of two in the neck. Frey died a few blocks away at a nearby apartment complex.
The heroes who called the cops have not yet been heralded for rescuing Walmart from financial collapse.
4. Not Stealing From Walmart Can Get You Killed
On Aug. 5, 2014, a hero named Ronald Ritchie called the Beavercreek, Ohio, Police Department and reported that a man was walking around in Walmart pointing a rifle at customers, including children.
Although Ritchie was lying, police entered the store, and as soon as they spotted John Crawford carrying a BB gun he intended to purchase, they shot Crawford without giving verbal commands.
No police officer was ever charged in the shooting.
3. The First “Trial of the Century”
On March 25, 1931, a group of white teenagers tried to push 18-year-old Haywood Patterson off a freight train, claiming that the train was a “white man’s” train. When other black passengers warded off the group, the humiliated boys told the police that they had been attacked by a group of black men on the train.
Police issued an order to “capture every Negro on the train.” They eventually detained nine black men and two white women who were hoboing aboard the train. The women immediately accused all the men on board of rape.
Even though there was no evidence to support the women’s claims, the police arrested Haywood Patterson (age 18), Clarence Norris (age 19), Charlie Weems (age 19), Andy Wright (age 19), Roy Wright (age 12), Olin Montgomery (age 17), Ozie Powell (age 16), Willie Roberson (age 16) and Eugene Williams (age 13) and charged them with rape. The men were represented by a 69-year-old attorney who hadn’t tried a case in decades, assisted by a real estate lawyer.
The first trial, in front of an all-white Alabama jury, took a day and a half. The remaining eight all took place the same day. Eight of the men were convicted and sentenced to death for raping a white woman. The Alabama Supreme Court affirmed seven of the eight convictions. After a series of appeals and subsequent convictions, including two Supreme Court hearings, all but two served prison sentences. They were eventually pardoned ...
... in 2013.
2. The Boy With the Toy Gun
No one knows the race of the man who called the Cleveland Police Department on Nov. 22, 2014, to report a 20-year-old man under the gazebo at Cleveland’s Cudell Recreation Center, pointing a gun and “scaring the shit” out of people in the park.
The caller did say that the gun might be fake, but the 911 dispatcher never relayed that information to the responding officers. So when Officers Timothy Loehmann and Frank Garmback arrived on the scene, Loehmann shot the suspect less than two seconds after exiting the vehicle.
The 20-year-old man turned out to be a 12-year-old boy named Tamir Rice, who was playing with a toy gun. No one was ever charged in his death.
1. The Call That Burned Black Wall Street
On May 30, 1921, 19-year-old shoeshiner Dick Rowland went to use the blacks-only restroom in the Drexel Building in Tulsa, Okla. As he entered the elevator, he tripped and stumbled onto a white girl, 17-year-old elevator operator Sarah Page. Page screamed, and a white store clerk saw Rowland rush off the elevator and reported it to the police as an assault.
When the word spread around Tulsa, a white mob gathered to try to lynch the teenage Rowland. Black residents tried to prevent it, kicking off the Tulsa Race Riots that resulted in the burning of 35 blocks in the city’s Greenwood subdivision referred to as “Black Wall Street.”
There is no official death toll, but most historians agree that the count was around 250, because many African Americans were buried in mass graves, while others fled the city. No one was ever convicted of a single crime.
The case against Rowland was ultimately dismissed when Page wrote a letter saying that she did not wish to prosecute him.
We also offer an honorable mention to Breana Harmon Talbott, who lied about being raped by three black men; Charles Stuart, who blamed his wife and children’s murders on a black suspect, prompting a manhunt; and Susan Smith, who said she pleaded with the black man who carjacked her, snatched her two sons and drove them into a lake, only for it to be discovered that the real kidnapper was a white woman named Susan Smith.
While they might one day get into the police-calling Hall of Fame, we can only offer them this gift certificate to Waffle House.