Channeling the ghost of Carolyn Bryant Donham (false accuser of Emmett Till), a now-viral Facebook video caught an angry woman calling the police to report that a frightened young black boy had dared to inadvertently brush up against her.
“A white lady calling the cops on a black kid, I get it,” begins the four-minute video uploaded by Facebook user Jason Littlejohn. The Wicked Witch of the Bodega can be barely heard above the scared cries of two children after she informs them that she is calling the police.
“I want the cops here right now!” Becky With The Invisible Booty screams into her phone, obviously distraught that someone had pickpocketed her gluteus minimus from right out of her Caucasian-fit Wrangler jeans. “The son grabbed my ass and the mom yelled at me!”
After giving the police her number, the woman walks up to the camera, smiles and waves, ignoring the desperate pleas of the two young black children being comforted by their mother. It is unclear if the cop-caller believes she is posing for the cover of Evil Stepmother Weekly or if she is showing the thin rim around her mouth to prove that she is also a survivor of a past lip theft incident.
As an irate crowd gathers, the woman who shops in the “petite demon” section of Old Navy continues her call to Wypipo Applecare, asserting that she has been sexually assaulted by the youngster. One bystander insults her “flat ass” while the man with the cell phone camera urges whoever is watching to “make this go viral.”
Another white woman arrives on the scene and the crowd begs the newly-arrived onlooker to see if she can speak to the woman in their native tongue. Although they appear to be from different tribes (as a professional wypipologist, I should warn readers to never approach a white person who attaches their keys to their belt loop—those are the most dangerous kind), the bystander tries to speak to the woman in Caucasianese.
“Now, go upload that to World Star!” yells Bootyless Becky, paying the woman no attention.
Brenda the Good White Woman tries to intervene, weirdly informing the evil lady, “I’m calling you out!” After giving Taylor Not-So-Swift a formal notification of grievance, the good white woman added: “Did you seriously just call the police on a child?”
Amidst all the hullabaloo comes the funniest part, as the two oxymorons stand face-to-face calling each other the worst name they could think of: “White lady.”
“Go away,” the benign white one orders, to which the black-hearted white woman responds: “No I will not. White lady.”
“Ok, white lady!” responds the ally.
This clash of the white ones made the guy filming kind of squeamish, like when I was a kid and someone showed me how to put a red ant and a black ant in a coke bottle and watch them fight to the death. It was like watching a chihuahua fight, so he broke them up before an impromptu UFC (Ultimate Fighting Caucasians) slapfight broke out between Becky 1 and Becky 2.
As the emaciated evil one steps to the do-gooder and tells the young and innocent intervener she’s too young to be stepping to a 231-year-old decrepit she-demon; another brother, alerted by the competing smell of shampoos and conditioners, comes along and separates the white women before they start scrapping on the sidewalk.
Thank God. No one wants to see this.
The police never come, but I’m sure Evil Becky is still on the phone with them, waiting in Hades for the cops to arrive.
And after the narrowly-avoided melanin-less melee cooled down, we now discover that security footage shows it was the boy’s backpack that brushed the old buzzard.
When will we stop this bag-on-bag crime?
Also, Carolyn Bryant Donham, the woman who lied on Emmett Till is still alive.
But a man can dream, can’t he?