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We Watched Day 1 of the Impeachment Trial Because We Knew You Didn’t Want To

 In this screengrab taken from a Senate Television webcast, House impeachment manager Rep. Val Demings (D-FLla.) speaks during impeachment proceedings against U.S. President Donald Trump.
In this screengrab taken from a Senate Television webcast, House impeachment manager Rep. Val Demings (D-FLla.) speaks during impeachment proceedings against U.S. President Donald Trump.
Photo: Senate Television (Getty Images)

The first day of the impeachment trial was longer than the church service when you didn’t have breakfast. The first day of the impeachment trial was longer than the line at the DMV. The first day of the impeachment trial was so long (13 hours!) that we are sure you stopped watching, so we watched all of it. OK, fine. We didn’t watch all of it but we watched more than you. OK, how much did you watch? We watched longer than that.

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Here is what we know.

What’s this all about?

Trump’s impeachment trial is based on this fact: Trump did that shit. What shit is it that Trump did, you ask? Well, he totally quid pro quo’d the president of Ukraine, Smitty Flusteryep (seriously, you know the president of Ukraine’s name? Why? Why do you know the president of Ukraine’s name? Are you Ukrainian? Ukr-kind-of-getting on-my nerves) to investigate political rivals Joe Biden and his son, Hunter, in exchange for Ukrainian aid that Congress had already approved.

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Who we love today

We love Rep. Val Demings (D-Fla.) She was steady and a part of one of Trump’s lawyers’ biggest fuckups on the first day. Trump’s personal lawyer, Jay Sekulow, falsely claimed that Demings had referred to “lawyer lawsuits,” which she hadn’t. Sekulow gave his best Allen Iverson “Practice” speech in which he kept claiming that we are in the Senate talking about “lawyer lawsuits!?”

From the Washington Post:

“And by the way — lawyer lawsuits?” Sekulow began. “Lawyer lawsuits? We’re talking about the impeachment of a president of the United States, duly elected, and the members — the managers are complaining about lawyer lawsuits? The Constitution allows lawyer lawsuits. It’s disrespecting the Constitution of the United States to even say that in this chamber — lawyer lawsuits.”

Sekulow added that it was “a dangerous moment for America when an impeachment of a president of the United States is being rushed through because of lawyer lawsuits. The Constitution allows it, if necessary. The Constitution demands it, if necessary.”

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Sekulow added that it was “a dangerous moment for America when an impeachment of a president of the United States is being rushed through because of lawyer lawsuits. The Constitution allows it, if necessary. The Constitution demands it, if necessary.”

Which would’ve been nice except it never happened. Lawyer lawsuits were never mentioned, not ever.

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No one:

Certainly not Val Demings:

Not One Single Person:

Jay Sekulow: “We talking about lawyer lawsuits! Not a game, not a game. Lawyer lawsuits!”

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What Demings actually said was: “FOIA [Freedom of Information Act] lawsuits filed by third parties cannot serve as a credible alternative to congressional oversight.”

And wouldn’t it be just like the White House to double-down on some shit that never happened and insist that it did:

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But Val, whose full name is Valdez Venita, is all over Trump and his lawyers bullshit as she tweeted this out on Wednesday:

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We also love Notorious R.E.P. Hakeem Jeffries for his B.I.G. reference when taking down...you guessed it...Trump’s personal lawyer, Jay Sekulow, which you can read below:

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And we love California Rep. Zoe Lofgren, who walked up looking like America’s favorite Girl Scout mom and proceeded to throw daggers at Trump’s lawyers. She had visual clips of witness’ testimony and cookies for anyone who wanted them. Fine, she didn’t have cookies, but I swear, she doesn’t look like she would hold a lawyer under water until their arms stopped flailing but we proceeded to watch her drown folks.

What actually was decided on Day 1?

After 13 hours of back and forth, the Senate finally voted early Wednesday morning to approve Senate impeachment trial rules along party lines and delayed the biggest question of them all: “Whether the Senate should subpoena witnesses and documents until later in the trial,” according to CNN.

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What else happened?

Several Congress members fell asleep during the first day and many were seen playing with their Apple watches despite there being a ban on electronics.

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Oh, and Supreme Court Justice John Roberts, who’s presiding over the whole thing, got annoyed with both Trump lawyers and House managers (aka the elite hit squad assembled by their leader explosives expert Nan…)

Managing Editor of The Root, Genetta Adams: Stop.

Me: Just trying to make the Democrats sound tougher……

...after a heated exchange between House impeachment manager Jerry Nadler (D-N.Y.) and White House Counsel Pat Cipollone, “over Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s amendment to subpoena former national security adviser John Bolton,” Politico reports.

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“I think it is appropriate at this point for me to admonish both the House managers and president’s counsel in equal terms to remember that they are addressing the world’s greatest deliberative body,” Roberts said, in a rare comment, Politico notes. “Those addressing the Senate should remember where they are.”

What’s next?

Opening arguments begin today. Look for House managers to try and push Trump lawyers to actually respond to charges against the president. As it stands, House managers (who are not some of the finest deadly assassins ever assembled) appear to be attacking the president’s acts, and Trump’s lawyers appear to be attacking House managers (totally not hired hitmen with special gun training).

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

Watching the difference between The GOP and Democrats was like watching the kids that the time to prepare their oral presentation to the class vs. those that didn’t. Where in the ever loving fuck did Trump find his legal team? A pop up from a porn site? Anyone that watches Dershowitz and thinks he’s something other than a buffoon needs their head examined.