There are really only two kinds of people in this world: Those of us who wear masks, practice social distancing and stay inside as much as possible, and assholes.
Or Republicans. Same thing, really.
As such, Republican states and Republican operatives are basically breeding grounds for COVID-19. So it is with a heavy heart that I say that Rudy Giuliani’s son, Andrew Giuliani, a special assistant to President Donald Trump, and second in line to inherit his father’s Dutch Christmas shoes, has tested positive for the coronavirus, according to Politico.
But...But...But..wait it gets worse.
Florida Sen. Rick Scott (R) has also tested positive for the coronavirus making him the second senator, behind 87-year-old Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), to contract the virus this week, Politico reports. If only there was some thread that connected all of these outbreaks among these men we could follow that could point us in the right direction to guide us as to why…They’re all assholes.
Do I know them? Of course not. But they’re all Republican and therefore assholes by default. And don’t let Grassley’s age fool you; he was probably at a kegger maskless doing bong rips and keg stands with his frat bros.
Managing Editor Genetta Adams: Stephen, dammit, we talked about this. You can’t cover the coronavirus in this way. Grassley, Scott, and Lil’ Giuliani have all tested positive and that’s all we know. Please get back to the news.
Me: How about the news that 100 percent of Republicans are assholes and 98 percent of those who’ve tested positive for the virus are Republican and therefore assholes.
G.A.: Where are you getting this from?
Me: My mind.
Whatever. Everyone is fine.
Scott said he’s feeling fine or whatever.
“I am feeling good and experiencing very mild symptoms,” Scott told Politico “I will be working from home in Naples until it is safe for me to return to Washington, D.C. I want to remind everyone to be careful and do the right things to protect yourselves and others.“
Tell that the zombie apocalypse crew on your side of the aisle. The folks who are just out here raw dogging air, without a face condom, in a fucking pandemic!
Lil Giuliani is experiencing mild symptoms, but he’s doing just fine, too.
Giuliani received his results Friday morning, he wrote on Twitter, and reported “experiencing mild symptoms.” He also wrote that he was “following all appropriate protocols, including being in quarantine and conducting contact tracing.”
Good thing Trump is working on a vaccine that no Black person will take the first version of— because Tuskegee experiment—but Geraldo seems to have come up with a reasonable solution to make the baby man happy: name the vaccine after the president!
Good thing this Geraldo is only the second-most famous Geraldo behind this guy:
G.A.: His name is Gerado...
Me: Whatever, fuck both these guys.
Also from Politico:
Grassley and Scott are part of a growing list of lawmakers who have contracted the disease. Sens. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), Bill Cassidy (R-La.), Thom Tillis (R-N.C.), Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) and Mike Lee (R-Utah) have all tested positive this year. Sens. Tim Kaine (D-Va.) and Bob Casey (D-Pa.) meanwhile, have tested positive for coronavirus antibodies.
Which makes the numbers: Republicans: 5; Democrats: 2 (technically one because Virginia can be racist AF).
But who’s counting?
Me. I’m counting.