Omarion Omicron, Delta, and whatever other COVID-19 variants continue their sold-out, stadium tour across Trump’s America, our Canadian neighbors up north want no parts of this global pandemic. So in their extreme efforts to protect Drake at all costs, in December, they prohibited unvaccinated NBA players from playing or traveling into Toronto. But to be extra safe, they’ve taken things up a notch since New Year’s Eve and are no longer allowing fans into the arena during Toronto Raptors games. (The team had to play in Tampa last season, so at least this is an upgrade.)
As a result, Raptor games that are traditionally boisterous and loud are about as empty as a Color Me Badd concert. So with nobody around to harass and entertain, I would imagine the Raptors’ mascot is stressed the fuck out trying to justify its salary and remain gainfully employed. Especially since shooting t-shirts out of a cannon looks ridiculous as hell with nobody around but stale nachos and bored cameramen.
So with its very livelihood at stake, I guess Toronto’s mascot woke up on Tuesday and chose violence—or at least that’s how two-time All-Star Devin Booker took it when Mr. Mascot, the only “fan” in the entire damn building, attempted to distract him while he shot free throws with the game on the line in the fourth quarter:
The nerve! The unmitigated gall!
How dare that punk-ass mascot earn its paycheck!
In response to its flagrant insubordination, the ref called a time out and sent Mr. Mascot to the corner to go think about what he did. And while Booker declined to fill out a police report or press charges, the Department of Justice has launched an investigation into whether or not the unruly mascot abused its power or committed any potential civil rights violations.
No recess for you, motherfucker.
After the game, Booker confirmed that he had already spoken with Attorney General Merrick Garland about the grave injustice he had incurred. And while flanked by his security detail, Chris Paul and Jae Crowder, each of whom witnessed the heinous crime, Booker explained why the Raptors’ mascot is a menace that must be stopped at all costs.
“I was trying to get him out the way,” he told reporters. “It worked. I’m glad to be shooting it without him down there.”
He also confirmed that after lengthy negotiations and an out-of-court settlement, he and the mascot have made peace.
“We hashed it out,” Booker said. “We homies now.”
While the mascot has declined to comment, and has also refused The Root’s multiple offers to tell its side of the story with an exclusive interview, the DOJ has stated that its investigation is ongoing and that the mascot would be “penalized to the full extent of the law.”
I bet it won’t do that shit again.