Before we start, The Root would like to issue a disclaimer to never do what this woman did in this story unless you are this woman, who clearly trained in the House of LaBeija, has done at least three overnight shifts at the International House of Pancakes and grew up in the House of “Who you think you’re talking to?”
Then you may proceed.
On Monday, a Detroit man made the mistake of stealing a Mercedes Benz belonging to Bianca “Keeps at least one in the” Chambers. For two days, Chambers tracked her car throughout the city thinking to herself, “Oh, slim think’s shit is sweet.”
That’s when she remembered that she grew up her whole life allergic to fuckshit and decided that enough was enough. Much like America, democracy, unseasoned food, and musical collaborations with white singers, this Black woman realized that it was time to save the day. She noticed that the man parked the car to...wait, let me make sure I’m reading this correctly...get his hair done. Chambers, who only boxes outside of her weight class, decided that she was not only going to get her car back but she was going to fuck this man’s head all the way up.
“At that point, I was like…I’m not letting this man walk again,” she said.
“He’s at 7 Days West, getting his dreds twisted,” she said in a Facebook live while watching her car.
And with the spirit of the ancestors, Africans who chose death over slavery, and the great Sharkeisha before her, Chambers walked into the barbershop and came face-to-face with the man she believed stole her new Benz. Chambers, wanting to make sure she didn’t open a can of whoop ass for no reason, asked the man, “Is that his Benz?” When he denied it….well, Chambers quietly did a mental inventory of the fucks she had left to give and then proceed to hit the assailant with what my buddy LaVelle used to call “cocaine knuckles”—I, too, have no idea what the hell that means but I do know that “cocaine knuckles” was only reserved for the most righteous of beatdowns. At one point, someone can be seen dragging the man by his dreads because this person is also from the school of “I know you didn’t think you were going to steal a car and get your hair done and still be fresh when the police get here?! Da fuq?”
Fox 2 Detroit believes that customers then stepped in to make a citizen’s arrest, but I would argue that they saved that man’s life, and here is how I know this: After the man was safely in the customers’ clutches, Chambers then walked outside and flattened her own tires...ALL 4 of them!
“I slashed all the tires and I thought that he was gonna take off and I didn’t know how long it was going to take for the police to pull up. And I refused to let him pull off again,” she said.
Do you know how gangsta you have to be to slash your own tires? Clearly Chambers spent time in the secondary school of “If I’m not driving this car, ain’t nobody driving this car!”
Detroit police said that they heard from Chambers some four times before she encountered the man who allegedly stole her car but every time they arrived at the location, the car was gone.
“They was driving, they was having a good time, they was smoking but, yes, when I got my car, it was very clean,” Chambers said.
Want to know why the car was clean? He got it detailed!
“You’re just the dumbest criminal, that’s all. You’re joyriding in my car like nobody was going to see,” Chambers said.
Chambers saw it. Chambers sees everything!