Van Jones Goes on The View and Gets Roasted Like a Two-Faced Potato Because Ain't No Such Thing as Halfway Activists

Illustration for article titled Van Jones Goes on The View and Gets Roasted Like a Two-Faced Potato Because Ain't No Such Thing as Halfway Activists
Screenshot: @LiveOnTheChat/ Twitter

Sis, you ain’t have to do Van like that.

You didn’t have to bring that man on your show and call him out for flip-flopping more than a fish out of water. You ain’t have to pull that man’s hoe-card and tell him that the fence is not a Dodge Challenger so NEGRO, YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO RIDE IT.

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But you did. You put that man’s business on front street, back street, side alleys and cul de sacs all because he moves back and forth from the left to the center like the political world was his own personal foosball table. You told that brotha to leave CNN alone and audition to play Two-Face in the next Batman movie because he’s perfect for the role.

CNN commentator Van Jones took his Black-but-not-Malcolm-Black-ass on The View Friday to plug his pro-unity documentary, The Reunited States, which he co-produced with The View co-host and Great Value Tomi Lahren stand-in Meghan McCain. Sunny Hostin—another host for the show which I don’t watch but will stan for today—let Jones get nice and comfortable before she basically called him a version of Kunta Kinte who would proudly call himself Toby if you tried to clip his pinky toenail let alone take a whole foot.

OK, Hostin didn’t say all that; she was actually much more polite than I’m giving her credit for.

“Now Van, you do spend a lot of time threading the middle and trying to unite people,” Hostin began. “But there are those who accuse you of being a political opportunist—a chameleon, so to speak—who provided racial cover for former, disgraced, twice impeached President Trump.”

She then began reading a quote from dark-skin Joe Rogan Jones where he said that he get’s “beat up by liberals every time I say this, but I’m going to keep saying” that Donald Trump “has done good stuff for the Black community” like “opportunity zone stuff” and “Black college stuff.”

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Besides the fact that claims that Trump has done all of these white savior-ish things for Black people are, for the most part, not true, Jones can’t be praising one of the most openly white nationalist presidents in recent history one minute then trying to come back to the pro-Black table the next minute—especially when he’s out here cooking up the political equivalent of bland potato salad with green beans and raisins with the biggest Karen in the McCain family.

“Yet just recently you cried on CNN when Joe Biden was elected the 46th president, and you said it’s easier to be a parent now, character matters now, truth matters,” Hostin continued. “You even mentioned George Floyd and said a lot of people felt they couldn’t breathe. People in the Black community don’t trust you anymore. What is your response?”

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YOOOOO, SUNNY, YOU AIN’T HAVE TO DO VAN LIKE THAT!

You might as well have told the whole world that Van’s favorite Aaliyah song is “Back & Forth” and that he once told the late singer, “You made it a hot song, I made it a hot political platform.”

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Anyway, you could tell Jones wasn’t ready for that question because he looked more flustered than Clarence Thomas accidentally walking into a Black love seminar (Jones got a white wife too so I could have just used him for that joke, but I’m trying to chill).

“Well, I don’t think that’s true,” he said. “People may not like everything I’ve said on television and I try to be balanced, but look at what I have done. Who among my critics have been able to get people together to help folks at the bottom? When we fight like this about everything and you can’t give anybody even a little bit of credit for anything, who it hurts is not the politicians, it’s not the pundits, it’s regular folks who don’t have anything.”

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Oh, shut up, you Aaron Burr-ass nigga. You were caping for a white nationalist and now you’ve co-produced some “We are the world,” Kumbaya-my-lord-ass documentary with the world’s Becky-est Karen.

Now sit with that and do better.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons

DISCUSSION

cybermindgrrl
Cyber Mind Grrl

“Trump has now become Presidential.”

That is all.