In less than 24 hours, Joe Biden will become the president of the United States of America. During his inauguration ceremony tomorrow, he will deliver a speech, and it will revolve around the concept of unity because he is a sentient shoestring and unity is his entire steez. In fact, pledging to take a shot each time he incorporated a variant of that word in his address, at noon, would be an efficient drinking game if you wish to be drunk by 12:07 pm.
That the inauguration occurs the same week as America’s annual opportunity to call for focus-grouped, Fisher-Price Unity is, well, fitting. Unity on a plane. Unity on a train. Unity in the rain. We’re ensconced in unity bukkake. The problem with this sentiment—well, a problem—is that the ask is flawed. Unification requires a meeting. A meeting is a compromise. A compromise demands movement. And there’s no space to move with people who either fundamentally doubt your personhood or wish to flatten it to maintain theirs.
Also, the ask assumes an inherent value in unification. I do not. Unifying for unifying’s sake is just that. It is better—much, much, much, much better—to remain untethered to people who possess fundamental differences with how they exist in the world. Especially if their existence is an unambiguous threat to yours. Plus, teams are overrated, as is teamwork. I am fine, over here, by myself.
But, I am in a good mood today. And because of these droning and ceaseless calls for a cosmetic unification, I have searched for (and discovered!) a solution for my aversion to it. Deez nuts. I am perfectly fine—elated, even—to offer deez nuts to anyone who wishes to come together. Republicans, for instance, can unify with deez nuts. As can people who argue against minimum wage increases, hoteps, niggas who say they want to “build” but really just want a retweet and some socks, people who throw and attend packed nightclub parties during a peninsula, rise and grind niggas, bad tippers, them Bali niggas, anti-vaxxers, passport niggas, niggas who have regular bowel movements (cause I’m hatin), gospel rappers, Kappas, cops, Frosted Flake-ass niggas, and Van Jones.
This is, in my estimation, a noble and gracious concession. So please, if you’re into superficial reconciliation—or if you’re just a regular person who believes unity is cool or whatever—seriously consider deez nuts. That’s what they’re here for.